Fair Settlement
After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client. "Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you." "Fair to both?!?" exploded Mrs. LaMay. "I could have done that myself. What do you hired a lawyer for?"
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Will the real bride please stand up!
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they began arguing until the King called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
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Open the Can
An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore. The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener ..."
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For The Kids...
What trees do ghouls like best?Ceme-trees! Why did the cannibal have a hangover?He went to a party and got stewed! Why are graveyards so noisy?Because of all the coffin! Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?He wanted something to get his teeth into!
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Broken BoneWhile leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician."Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked."Yes," the girl replied."Did it hurt?""No.""Really? Which bone did you break?""My sister's arm."
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Punnies
"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said,
dolefully.
"I haven't caught a fish all day!" Mike said, without
debate.
"I won't let a stupid flat tire let me down," Steve said,
with despair.
"I keep banging my head on things," Marty said, bashfully.
"That is the second time my teacher changed my grade," Donna
remarked.
"The fur is falling out of that mink coat," Steven inferred.
"That's the second electric shock that I've gotten today!"
Stew said, revolted.
"I'll just have to send that telegram again," Samuel said,
remorsefully.
"I've been sick and lost a lot of weight," Rachel expounded.
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Beatles Computer Song - Let It Be
When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me,Speaking words of wisdom:Write in C. As the deadline fast approaches,And bugs are all that I can see,Somewhere, someone whispers:Write in C. Write in C, write in C,Write in C, oh, write in C.LOGO's dead and buried,Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,For science it worked flawlessly.Try using it for graphics!Write in C. If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,Debugging some assembly,Soon you will be glad toWrite in C. Write in C, Write in C,Write in C, yeah, Write in C.BASIC's not the answer.Write in C. Write in C, Write in CWrite in C, oh, Write in C.Pascal won't quite cut it.Write in C.
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Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. " The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 10 children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."
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Devotion
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said. "What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
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For The Kids...
Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon?Because he was dead! What did Napoleon become when he was 41 years old?A year older on his birthday! An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework?Pupil: I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.