A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone,
staggering under the weight of a ten-point buck.
"Where's Henry?"
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles
back up the trail."
"You left Henry lying out there and carried the deer
back!?!"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is
going to steal Henry."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Rise and Fall of the SUV
by Robert Byron
I don't understand the television ads that attempt to link the ownership of
SUV's to aiding terrorism. The commercials are funded by "The Detroit
Project" who believe that since Saudi Arabia is the third largest single oil
supplier to the United States and fifteen of the nineteen hijackers on 9/11
were Saudi Arabian citizens, not to mention that Osama bin Laden was born a
Saudi, that anyone who owns an SUV is aiding terrorism. I say, why stop
there? Why pick on SUV's and leave out automobiles in general? How about a
commercial that shows a guy filling up his gas can while the voiceover
states, "Oil money supports some terrible things? Do you feel good about
mowing your lawn?"
How about asphalt? Nobody is picking on that but it's a petroleum product
too. How about a commercial that says, "If you use petroleum jelly on your
baby's butt, you're giving guns to Al Qaeda." Maybe we need a public service
announcement that says, "Your romantic dinner can do without the candles
unless you want terrorists to blow something up," or "That designer wardrobe
made with synthetic fibers is funding the deaths of innocent people." Sounds
crazy doesn't it? That's because it is crazy.
Canada is the number one supplier of oil to the U.S. but if I see horse
manure in the middle of the road I don't accuse the Canadian Amish of being
terrorists. It just isn't so. I don't dispute that SUV's are gas guzzlers
and that a lot of Americans seem indifferent to fuel conservation, however,
I think The Detroit Project is looking at the wrong issue. The real threat
created by SUV's is the soccer mom. Why doesn't The Detroit Project do
something about that?
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve
disorder." - Former Chicago mayor Richard Daley during the infamous 1968
Democratic Party convention.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Crossing Lesson
A man is trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car
comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man
walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes
lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again
and is still coming at him.
By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just
freezes and stops in the middle of the road.
The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and
screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window.
The driver is a squirrel.
The squirrel looks at the man and says, "See, it's not as easy as it
looks, is it?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to J & G B: Deer Tick Warning
Deer Tick Warning!!! I hate it when people forward
bogus warnings, but this one is real and it is
important. So please send this warning to everyone on
your e-mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are
conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take
your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!!
IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid
now.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Oneliners
Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a
doctor instead of a policeman.
A clean desk is the sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun
of.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a
lot.
Upper crust seems to be simply a bunch of crumbs held
together by their own dough.
Make somebody happy today . . . mind your own
business.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment
enough for me.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift
is nothing without work.
Clearly, what the Iraqis really need is furniture.
At least I have a positive attitude about my
destructive habits.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
An escalator never breaks . . . it only becomes
stairs
When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for
patience.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else
knows.
What will today's younger generation tell their
children they had to do "without"?
Let me guess . . . your parents are cousins.
Panic attack: like drowning, but there's no water to
make you feel better about it.
If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.
18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree...
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in
front of you.
A beggar wanted 50 cents for a sandwich. I said,
"First let me see the sandwich."
Today is the last day of your life, so far.
No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking
questions.
People never grow up; they just learn how to act in
public.
One half of the world will never understand the other
half and it doesn't matter which half you're in.
There will never be ethics and honesty in government
until people stop voting lawyers into office.
I've discovered the whole problem with the National
Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week and the government
spends 7.
You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when
it sticks out its neck.
No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar
store.
The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people
can't hold it.
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting,
he isn't.
If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them
around.
Anything not nailed down is a cat to.
The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has
the plane fare to leave.
Whatever advice you give, be brief.
You know you beat a Republican in an argument when he
calls you names.
When a Democrat doesn't like the message, he tries to
kill the messenger.
It is not what they say about you, it's what they
whisper.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to sunshinerose28 -- HARVARD READING TEST
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department
at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you
can read each line aloud without a mistake. The
average person over 35 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line
from the top down
NO CHEATING PLEASE!
Bet you can't resist sending it on!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: Your laugh for the day! Enjoy.
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These
sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or
were announced in church services.
� The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes
meals.
� The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the
Water." The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."
� Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a
chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping
around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
� The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today
has
been canceled due to a conflict.
� Remember in prayer the many who are sick in
our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
"Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
� Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church
help.
� Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this
way again," giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation.
� For those of you who have children and don't
know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
� Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the
choir. They need all the help they can get.
� Barbara remains in the hospital and needs
blood
donors for more transfusions. She is also having
trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's
sermons.
� The Rector will preach his farewell message
after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into
Joy."
� Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married
on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.
� A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening
in
the church hall. Music will follow.
� At the evening service tonight, the sermon
topic
will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our
choir practice.
� Eight new choir robes are currently needed due
to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
� Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and
other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.
� Please place your donation in the envelope
along
with the deceased person you want remembered.
� The church will host an evening of fine
dining,
super entertainment and gracious hostility.
� Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
� The ladies of the Church have cast off
clothing
of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on
Friday afternoon.
� This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn
singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a
blanket and come prepared to sin.
� Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday
morning
at 10 AM All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
� The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies
of
the congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
� Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet
Thursday
at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
� The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at
7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
� Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at
the side entrance.
� The Associate Minister unveiled the church's
new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My
Pledge - Up Yours."