Psychiatric Confession
Attending a convention, 3 psychiatrists take a walk. “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one says, “but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we’re all professionals, why don’t we hear each other out right-now?”
They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I over bill patients as often as I can.”
The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”
The third psychiatrist says, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Custody
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their child posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the child into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The IT Husband
Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.
Husband :(Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife :Have you brought the grocery?
Husband :Bad command or filename.
Wife :But I told you in the morning
Husband :Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife :What about my new TV?
Husband :Variable not found ...
Wife :At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband :Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife :Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband :Too many parameters ...
Wife :It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband :Data type mismatch.
Wife :You are useless.
Husband :It's by Default.
Wife :What about your Salary?
Husband :File in use ... Try after some time.
Wife :What is my value in the family.
Husband :Unknown Virus.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Vampire Attack
Patient: Doctor, I think that I’ve bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: “No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Planting Flowers
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some flowers in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden.”
The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the flower.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Waiting for the Hostess
The two snooty women were sitting in the living room,
waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed in
another room.
The daughter of the family was with the two women, on the
theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the
wait.
The child was about six years old. She was snub nosed,
spotted with splotchy freckles, buck toothed, and
bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two
ladies peered doubtfully at her.
Finally, one of the women muttered to the other, "She's not
very p - r - e - t - t - y, is she?"
Whereupon the child piped up, "Maybe not, but I'm very s - m
- a - r - t and I can s - p - e - l - l."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Recent Quips from Late Night
"I don't know if you're aware of this. We just passed a big milestone yesterday. True story. Yesterday was the five-year anniversary of President Bush's speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Yeah, to celebrate, today, President Bush gave a speech in front of a banner that said 'Economic Recession Over.'" --Conan O'Brien
"According to the latest CNN poll, President Bush's disapproval rating is 71%. 71%. That's unbelievable, isn't it? That 29% still approve? Who are these people?" --Jay Leno
"In
"Because of where John McCain was born, he was born in the Panama Canal Zone, you know, not in the United States. There was a question as to whether he could legally become president. You have to be born here to become president. Well, this week, the Senate declared McCain is eligible to become president, and listen to this, because of his age, also eligible to be a greeter at Wal-Mart. So that worked out great for him." --Jay Leno
"Speaking of Hillary, I don't know if you've seen this. One of the most popular videos on YouTube right now is footage of Hillary Clinton trying to make herself is a cup of coffee, but not being able to get the machine to work. Yeah, when he saw the video, Bill Clinton said, 'Yeah, she's not very good at turning things on.'" --Conan O'Brien
"A federal study released today shows that President Bush's $1 billion-a-year 'Reading First' program has done nothing to increase the reading skills of young students. However, his 'Oil Company First' program is going like gangbusters." --Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Getting Married
Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.
Girl : Well that is because we aren’t married yet.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Chuck Norris is Da Man
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
- It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
- Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their behind. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris once got in a knife fight. The knife lost.
- Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light, not because he's afraid of the dark but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse in the chin and thus created a giraffe
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cured
The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology, “How do you determine if a patient is cured.”
The psychologist explains:
“We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub.”
“I see,” says the health minister, “The cured person would choose the cup because it`s bigger, and would empty the tub faster.”
“Actually no,” replies the psychologist, “A normal person would simply pull the plug.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Nelson Mandela is turning 90. He has asked Amy Winehouse to
perform at his 90th birthday party. When asked why he likes
Amy Winehouse, he said, 'She's spent more time in jail than
I did.'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"Celebrity birthdays today: Enrique Iglesias and Don Rickles.
Very different men, of course. One made a career of people
laughing at him and the other is Don Rickles." -Craig Ferguson
***
"Anyone heard of the presidential election? Experts say
there's probably going to be one in November." -Jimmy Kimmel