When Hallmark Writers Have a Bad Day
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
Heard your wife left you;
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
That we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What was I thinking??!!
Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Too bad no one likes your spouse.)
How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby???
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
that you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion!
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married...
But not to you.
Happy Birthday!
You look great for your age...
Almost lifelike!
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
I knew the day would come when you would
leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
We have been friends for a very long time...
What do ya say we call it quits?
I'm so miserable without you.
It's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
(Did you ever find out who the father was?)
You are such a good friend that if we were
on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
+++++++++++++++++++
For all their lives, my three sons have been told they have to do their
chores around the house. "I am not the maid" is a phrase they've heard many
times.
When my oldest went off to college, he called me after one week at school.
Among the first words he heard at college, he reported, were those of the
dormitory maid, announcing to a student who had not picked up after himself
in the men's lavatory. "I am not your mother!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two friends and I ordered sandwiches in a local joint. I wanted hot sauce,
Jim wanted medium and Bob, mild. When I asked for all three, the ornery
waitress pointed to the squeeze bottle sitting in the middle of the table.
"We need three," I insisted. "Which one is this?"
"All of them," she replied. "You want hot, put more on."
+++++++++++++++++++
I believe in the death penalty for people who squeeze toothpaste from the
middle of the tube.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Clunker Leak"
As the owner of a clunker, I was used to dealing with a variety of car breakdowns. One day at the supermarket, just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed a stream of fluid pouring out of the bottom of the car. I knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of action.
When I arrived I asked my husband to take a look at the problem. Expecting the worst, I braced myself for his diagnosis. When he came back in, he was smiling. "It’s apple juice," he said.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others
+++++++++++++++++++
"Nightime Prayers" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
"Yes sir," the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."