One day a young man was writing a letter to his girl friend who lived just a
few miles away in a nearby town. Among other things, he was telling her how
much he loved her and how wonderful he thought she was.
The more he wrote, the more poetic he became. Finally, he said that in order
to be with her he would suffer the greatest
difficulties, he would face the greatest dangers that anyone could imagine.
In fact, to spend only one minute with her, he would climb the highest
mountain in the world. He would swim across the widest river. He would enter
the deepest forest and with his bare hands fight against the fiercest
animals.
He finished the letter, signed his name, and then suddenly remembered that
he had forgotten to mention something quite
important. So he added:
P.S. I will be over to see you Wednesday night as long as it doesn't rain.
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The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion. As shopkeepers ran outside
to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his
smoldering building.
His white uniform was now scorched black. He went up to a woman standing
nearby. "Lady!" he said, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that
prescription again. And this time, PRINT IT!"
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"All the world loves a lover. Except people who are waiting to use the
phone." - Milton Berle
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Be Careful What You Wish For
For years, three men were stranded on a desert island. They survived by eating bananas and other fruit that grew naturally on the island.
One day, a magic lamp washed on to the beach. They rubbed the lamp, and a genie appeared that granted each man a wish.
"I wish I was off this island and back with my family," said the first man, and he disappeared.
"I also wish I was off this island and back home," said the second man. He too disappeared.
The third man, looked around and feeling lonely, looked up to the genie, "I really kind of like this island. I have everything I want, but it is getting a little lonely, so I wish my two friends were back to keep me company."
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Country Tunes
My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a
display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the
flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed
instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much
to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.
After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my
ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a
cheese slicer."
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"Bill Gates, the world's richest man, the Microsoft man, he
bought the Four Seasons today. Not the hotel chain, the
actual seasons. It's now Microsoft winter, Windows Spring..."
-Craig Ferguson
***
"Did you hear about the fan violence in
games? The fan violence in
so bad, the teams are forced to play in empty stadiums.
Empty stadiums! And so now, it's just like
soccer." -Dave Letterman
***
"I know the country has been mired in deficit spending and
it's been terrible burden on the country in terms of
interest payments. Good news today out of
have raised the limit of debt we can go to to $9 trillion.
It sends a great message to the kids: Hey, are you getting
an F? Don't study harder, make the grading curve go out to
K. Then your F looks like a C." -Jon Stewart
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A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down out-
side the operating room where another golfer who had a golf
ball driven down his throat, was being treated.
"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside
the room, asked the pacing golfer.
"No," replied the man, "That's my ball!"
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Did you hear of the accountant who added up his columns of
numbers so oddly that he always ended with, "$79.25 plus a
cat," or "$568.13 plus a cat," and so on?
It seems he had an "add-a-puss" complex.
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Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle
10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a box all day long.
9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.
8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
7. Always having that nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese!
6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
4. There are 23 power cords but only ONE outlet.
3. Prison cells are not only bigger... they also have beds.
2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.
1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out. (I have a piece of cardboard with a knob drawn on it. I slam that quite often. Not the same effect as wood, though).
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Fast Drinker
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve soda's and starts drinking them as fast as he can. T
he bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
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Named Drink
A grasshopper goes to a bar and hops up on a stool.
The bartender is surprised to see a grasshopper and says "Say, you know we have a drink named after you?"
The grasshopper responds "You have a drink named Roger?"
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A Writer's Allowed to Choose
A writer died, and due to a bureaucratic snafu in the hereafter, she was to be allowed to choose her own fate: heaven or hell for all eternity. Being very shrewd for a dead person, she asked St. Peter for a tour of both.
The first stop was hell, where she saw rows and rows of writers sitting chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. Your typical hell scene.
"Wow, this is awful," said the writer., appalled "Let's see some heaven."
In a moment, they were whisked to heaven and the writer saw rows and rows of writers chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. It looked and smelled even worse than hell.
"What gives, Pete?" the writer asked. "This is worse than hell!"
"Yes," St. Peter replied, "but here your work gets published."
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Adoption
What it means to be an adopted child...
A group of first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair colour than the other members. One of the students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, “I know all about adoption, I was adopted.”
“What does it mean to be adopted?” asked another child.
“It means,” said the girl, “that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!”
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Driving away from your problems...
I was depressed last night so I called Suicide Lifeline.
Got a call center... in
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.