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Division of LaborThe couple had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. The husband was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation."It's simple," he said. "Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on.""And you?""I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."
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Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History aremarveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard,"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"The guard replies, "They are three million, four years, andsix months old.""That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How doyou know their age so precisely?"The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were threemillion years old when I started working here, and that wasfour and a half years ago!"Received from WestiMom.
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The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.
"How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed,
"I was standing in the store looking at the dress on sale.
Then I found myself trying it on.
It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him!
Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too."
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Station Help
An elderly man was standing in front of the ticket office in Grand Central Station. A picture of utter helplessness, it was clear something was horribly wrong with him. He stood with his elbows pressed closely at his side. His forearms were rigidly extended before him and his palms were turned towards each other about ten inches apart. Apparently, the man was paralyzed.
A young woman approached him. "Can I do anything to help you?" she asked.
"Oh, thank you. Please put your hand in my coat pocket and take out money to buy me a ticket to Philadelphia."
The woman complied. She bought the ticket and accompanied the crippled man on the train, to make sure he was settled before leaving him.
"I hope you have a complete recovery. Are you visiting an out of town specialist?"
"A specialist," replied the cripple. "Why should I go to a specialist?"
"To treat you for the trouble with your hands."
"But, I have no trouble with my hands."
"Of course you have trouble with your hands. Why, you couldn't even reach into your pocket to get the money to buy your ticket."
"Oh, you're wondering why my hands are like this. My wife asked me that when I go to Philadelphia to buy her a pairs of shoes. This is her size."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"Grandchildren are God's reward for you not killing your own children."
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Constitution
The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day when Thomas Jefferson said, "Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?"
Ben Franklin replied, "Shall I open the window?"
"No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves."
"Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the constitution?"
"What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work?"
"Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about 'Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?'"
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Thanks to Marti -- ExerciseThe Doctor told me I should start an exercise program.I told him pushing 75 was enough exercise for me!!! Sooooooo Not wanting to harm this old body, I'vedevised the following: Beat around the bush Jump to conclusions Climb the walls Wade through the morning paper Drag my heels Push my luck Make Mountains out of mole hills Hit the nail on the head Bend over backwards Jump on the Band Wagon Run around in circles Advise the President on how to run the country Toot my own horn Pull out all the stops Add fuel to the fire Open a can of worms Put my foot in my mouth Start the ball rolling Go over the edge Pick up the pieces. Kneel in prayer Bow my head in thanksgiving Uplift my hands in praise Hug someone and encourage them What a Workout!
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Thanks to D & L S: 15 Things You Probably Never Knewor Thought About 1. At least 5 people in this world love you so muchthey would die for you. 2. At least 15 people in this world love you in someway. 3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you isbecause they want to be just like you. 4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,even if they don't like you. 5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before theygo to sleep. 6. You mean the world to someone. 7. If not for you, someone may not be living. 8. You are special and unique. 9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you. 10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, somethinggood comes from it. 11. When you think the world has turned its back onyou, take a look: you most likely turned your back onthe world. 12. When you think you have no chance of getting whatyou want, you probably won't get it, but if youbelieve in yourself, probably, sooner or later, youwill get it. 13. Always remember the compliments you received.Forget about the rude remarks. 14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; youwill feel much better when they know. 15. If you have a great friend, take the time to letthem know that they are great.
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Thanks to D & L S: A Minute -- They say it takes a minute to find a special person,an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, butthen an entire life to forget them. Take the time...to live and love.
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JACK'S TELEPHONE NUMBERBlonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".Blonde Caller: "On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"