You Gotta Love Alabama
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage
out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why
are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see
that sign right over your head".
Yep", he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says 'Fine ForDumping Garbage'.
*************** A senior at Auburn was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Alabama because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
************ An Alabama State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D.?' The driver replied, 'Got any I.D. bout whut?'************
A man in Alabama had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, andproceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behindit.Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as hedrove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.The man replied, 'I got a flat tare.'The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell ya to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
*********************
'Ya can say what ya want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wantin’ ta retire ta the North.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Fax Hint"
As a professor at the Air Force Institute of Technology, I taught a series of popular courses on software engineering. The program was highly competitive and difficult to get into, but one student made our decision whether to accept him quite simple.
When asked to fax over his college transcript, the student told me, "Well, I would, but it's the only copy I have."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes - there's just too much fraternizing with the enemy."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Anti-Gravity"
I found a very interesting book about anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Golf Lessons”
This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they go.
First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband steps up first and says, "Now watch me, and do the same thing." He hits a beautiful shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.
The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and it ricochets off a tree, bounces off a rock and rolls up onto the green and drops into the cup.
The husband looks at this, and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Suspect got away clean, almost
WICHITA, Kan. (UPI) -- A man who broke into a house Wichita, Kansas, fled in his underwear after the homeowner showed up unexpectedly and caught him doing his laundry, police said. Investigators said the suspect, described as a white male in his 30s, is believed to have entered the home by breaking a basement window, The Telegraph reported Monday. The homeowner said the burglar was startled when she returned home, and high-tailed it out of there wearing just his blue boxer shorts -- and grabbing her purse on his way. The woman said she managed to chase the intruder and recover her purse but he half-naked suspect slipped away.
///
NYC turtlenapping: 1 count or 2?
NEW YORK (UPI) -- A Brooklyn, N.Y., pet-store owner is appealing to a shoplifter who made off with his two-headed turtle to bring back the missing reptile. Sean Casey told the New York Post the turtle has special needs, such as having to be hand fed to prevent fights between heads over food. The turtle disappeared Sunday from a tank at Casey's Hamilton Dog House while Casey was with a customer. "I grew up in the neighborhood and I know most of the people here," he said. "I did not expect it in this neighborhood." To add insult to injury, the Post said, Casey had to convince New York's finest over at the local precinct that he wasn't pulling their legs when he reported the theft.
///
Bride and groom arrested at reception
LAKESIDE, Mich. (UPI) -- A wedding reception in Lakeside, Mich., ended with the bride and groom spending the night in separate jail cells after a melee, police said. Investigators said Andy Somora, 29, and Anna Pastuszwska, 28, both formerly of Chicago, were shocked with police stun guns and arrested at the July 19 reception at Burnison Galleries after police officers from 14 departments were called to calm things down, the Chicago Sun-Times reported. "The short version of the story is they didn't want to quit their partying," said Mike Sepic, Berrien County's chief assistant prosecutor. "If you put this in the class of wedding receptions gone bad, I guess this would take the cake." Somora's father, uncle, aunt and cousin also were arrested. Somora pleaded guilty late last month to a felony charge of resisting and obstructing police. The groom, who also was charged with disturbing the peace, could face imprisonment at his Sept. 15 sentencing for the felony charge. Pastuszwska pleaded guilty to a reduced charge after she was initially accused of resisting and obstructing. She was fined $600.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
You Might Be a New Englander if...
Forget Rednecks ... here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say
about New Englanders...
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through
May, you live in New England.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and
they don't work there, you live in New England.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live
in New England.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone
who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.
If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City
for the weekend, you live in New England.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than
once, you live in New England.
If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day
and back again, you live in New England.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a
raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but
leave both unlocked, you live in New England.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows
how to use them, you live in New England.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a
snowsuit, you live in New England.
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, you're going
80, and everybody is passing you, you live in New England.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
filled with snow, you live in New England.
If you know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still
winter, and road construction, you live in New England.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car,
you live in New England.
If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly," you live in New
England.
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to
all your New England friends, you live in New England.