Cleaning Poem I asked the Lord to tell me Why my house is such a mess. He asked if I'd been 'computering', And I had to answer "yes."
He told me to get off my fanny And tidy up the house. And so I started cleaning up... The smudges off my mouse. I wiped and shined the topside. That really did the trick... I was just admiring my work... I didn't mean to 'click.' But click, I did, and oops I found A real absorbing site That I got SO way into... I was into it all night.<
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Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards were flying to a convention.Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.' Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.'John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.' Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there'. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy.'
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TOP TEN REASONS HURRICANE SEASON IS LIKE CHRISTMAS
10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows).
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights)
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.
7. Regular TV shows preempted for "specials".
6. Family coming to stay with you.
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling.
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities.
3. Days off from work.
2. Candles.
And the number-one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas...
1. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!
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Chocolate Calories
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy
two servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I
consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals
one pound of weight per week.
Therefore...
In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had a chocolate caloric
intake of about 180 pounds. I weigh only 165 pounds, so
without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about
three months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
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Mass Hysteria
A professor of clinical psychology at Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand, included a lecture on crowd psychology in his annual course. To illustrate mass hysteria, he regularly showed TV news footage of teenage crowds greeting the Beatles at the local airport in the 1960's. One year, when he ran the footage, he heard squeals and bursts of laughter from his students. When the film ended he asked what had caused the hilarity. Replied one student, "We recognized some of our mothers!"
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Pet Care
Customer service representatives answer straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, however some calls can be quite unconventional as follows: - "My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering...how many calories are in a mouse?" - "I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?" - "What should I feed a borderline collie?" - "What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?" - "Is it normal for a dog to shed?" - "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?" - "My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?" - "How can I get the secret recipe for your special dog food?" - "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" - "Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?" - "Do you know how to toilet train a cat?" - "I have three cats. Is it true that a special brand of cat food makes the poop smell better?" - "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?" - "Where can I get a six-toed cat?"
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The seagull
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
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Two Vampire Bats
One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave. One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave. He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth. "Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked. "Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?" "Yes," the other bat replied. "Well, I didn't."
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of
natural causes.
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New Shopper(A true story)I used to live in New Brunswick, New Jersey, the home of Rutgers University.The new flock of kids attending college always includes those who need a little help with everyday chores they themselves never did before, such as laundry, or grocery-shopping.I was in the dairy aisle for some eggs. As usual, I opened the carton to check them over before putting them in my cart. Beside me, a young man did the same to his carton ... then leaned toward me and asked, "What are we looking for?"
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"Dell computers is offering refunds for customers in China
who sued after getting the wrong microprocessors in their
laptops. Apparently the Americans speaking to the Chinese
through their workers in India somehow had some sort of
miscommunication." -Jim Barach
***
Housewives aren't the only ones struggling in the suburbs.
One nursery in my town advertised, 'Desperate Houseplants-
25% off!'
***
'LOST' screamed the ad in my local paper in Celina, Ohio.
'Female medium-size gray tiger cat. Answers to Lucy or Here
Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.'
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When it comes to tunes, my local music shop prefers the sound
of silence. A sign prominently displayed on a grand piano
reads, "The management is not responsible for the actions of
its employees if your child plays 'Heart and Soul' or 'Chop-
sticks' on this instrument.