REAL NEWSPAPER ADS FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES... Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat .... been out a while. Better be a reward. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby. GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents lb. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie. AND THE BEST ONE: FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.
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Name the StatesThe old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13"....
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”Did God Make You?”
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
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"Record Store"
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
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Oneliner
"Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?"
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"Paid For"
My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.
We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."
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There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood
A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away
from the parent.
Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum
lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the
distance the friend lives from your house.
A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely
proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.
The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly
proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless
it is the only food in the fridge.
The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases
with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
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Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher
it in the morning, but the next day it was gone. He didn't tell a soul about
it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way
Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"
"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."
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The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.