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Prison Riot
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said,
"I would like to know two things.
First: Why did you revolt?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food
is awful."
"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden asked.
Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."
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Deep In Prayer
A man walking along a California beach was deep in
prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and,
in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have
TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive
over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom
of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I
can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of something that would honor and glorify
me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he
said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife.
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's
thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why
she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that
bridge?"
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Phone
There are several men sitting around in the locker
room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a
cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men
picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you
are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that
much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I
spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good
price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that
we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your
bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent
this morning and saw the house we had looked at last
year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool,
English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property
... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see
that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid
$420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love
you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises
his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those
present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?
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18 Wheeler
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!"
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Here is today's Oneliner.
On the wall of a Baltimore Estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law - Sisters of Mercy."
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Safety
Don't learn safety rules by accident.
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A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine?"
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If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it tooslowly.Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries allcount as fruit, so eat as many as you want.The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hotcar. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge offyour appetite and you'll eat less.A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of caloriesin one place. Isn't that handy?If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But ifyou can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolateto protect themselves.If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that abalanced diet?Money talks. Chocolate sings.Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?A. Because no one wants to quit.If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.An entire garment industry would be devastated.Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. Thatway, at least you'll get one thing done.
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A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."
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A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."