I WILL BE DISCONTINUING THIS BLOG AFTER THE OCTOBER 31ST POST
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CleanPun - "Space News"
"I have just learned that we do have the film of the astronauts' breakfast, which should be coming up shortly."- Frank McGee of NBC News during the course of a Gemini space flight.
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”Internet Gardening”
My friend's wife insisted on some professional help in the garden, my friend, being the net-savvy dude that he is, searched Google for a qualified gardener and scheduled a meeting with the man at his Danville home. That person was given directions to the house via email and the meeting was set for 11 AM on Tuesday. At 8 AM my friend received a call from the gardener stating that he could not find the house, let alone the street name on the map he possessed.
"Ok, you know where the Burger King is?" My friend asked on the cell phone, "We're in the homes right behind there."
"Yea, I know the Burger King, but there is no Hartz Avenue at the intersection to turn left onto."
"Ok, which way are you heading, east or west on Danville Blvd?"
"Why, west I suppose."
"And you see the Burger King there on the right?"
"Yes."
"Ok, then just make a left there, that's Hartz Avenue."
A little perturbed, the gardener replied, "There is no street off to the left, it's a dead end."
"Are you sure you're in Danville?"
"Heck yea, I've lived round these parts all my life."
"You're not in San Ramon or something, are you?"
"There ain't no San Ramon round here. I came in from Shelby City."
"Where's Shelby City?"
"Why, it's in Kentucky.
Where the heck are you?"
There was a long pause and my friend answered, "California." And hung up.
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Replacement GlassAt the end of a particularly severe winter, we removed the protective covers from our cabin cruiser and found that the weight of the snow had broken the windshield. I drove to the local glass shop, where I paid $110 for a replacement.The owner asked if I'd like them to install it, but I said I could handle it myself.I managed to climb up the ladder to the deck before dropping the glass. Sheepishly I returned to the shop. The owner showed no emotion as he cut the second glass.When I saw another $110 charge, I said, "I thought I might get a break on the second piece of glass.""I did give you a break," he replied."How so?" I asked."I didn't laugh, did I?" he answered.
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"You know you're watching a bad presidential debate when the
topics fall into the categories 'Domestic policy,' 'Foreign
policy' and 'Burt Reynolds Films of the '70s.'"
-Dave Letterman
***
"Wal-Mart announced they're coming out with their own brand
of wine. Wal-Mart's wine comes in red or white, as well as
12- or 16-ounce cans." --Conan O'Brien
***
"During the Democratic debate last week they all talked about
conserving energy. Like keeping the thermostat down in the
winter. Using low energy bulbs. Turning off lights. Using
less gas. It made me realize, my dad was like the first envi-
ronmentalist. He would walk around the house yelling, 'turn
off those lights! Turn the heat down!' He was green before
his time." -Jay Leno
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As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent
trend towards legislation which requires the prominent
placing of warnings on products that present hazards to
the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary
thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned,
merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in
this important area. This is especially true in light of
the findings of 20th century quantum physics.
We therefore propose that the following list of warnings
appears on every product offered for sale in the United
States.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy
Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of
Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute
Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in
Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle,"
It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same
Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast
It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds
that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle
was correct)
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance
That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product
May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and
Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including
Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be
Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents
Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality,
This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That
When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product,
It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and
Undetermined State.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This
Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent
on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
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American idioms don't travel well. Case in point, this email
my boss received from a Chinese businessman... "I apologize
for taking so long to get this pricing to you, but I had to
get all my ducts in the road."
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First Haircut
I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I
asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my
two-year-old son for his first haircut.
Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
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Honeymoon
A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn’t on a honeymoon, nor would there be any “we” in the first place.”
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Wrong Number
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!" The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!" "No." replied the CEO indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
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Coffee Thermos
A guy walks into Dunkin' Donuts. He says, "Excuse me, miss. How many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?" She says, "I think it's a seven-cup thermos." He says, "All right...give me two black, three cream and sugar."
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12 Step Recovery Program For Web Addicts
1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web. 2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.3. I will get dressed before noon.4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.8. I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
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Work "Experience"
Several weeks after a young man had been hired by an advertising agency, he was called into the personnel director's office.
"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."
"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."