"Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't
tell them where they know the fish." Mark Twain
+++++++++++++++++++
On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "Half this game is ninety percent mental."--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark? ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ." --Dan Quayle,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?"--Lee Iacocca,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."?? --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Feeling smarter yet?? Send it on to your brilliant friends.I just did!!
I THINK I MIGHT JUST BE SMART AFTER ALL!!
+++++++++++++++++++
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer!" the man began, "I don't have time for this right now!"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say ..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the bridegroom."
+++++++++++++++++++
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to
church.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful
attendance, the Pastor went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Pastor asked, "How come after
all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Pastor," he whispered.
"When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I
got
to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must
have forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him.
+++++++++++++++++++
Want me to paint for you?
A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter."I'm here for the paint job," she said."Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.
+++++++++++++++++++
Why are you yelling that?
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?""I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
+++++++++++++++++++
Q: Where do you find rain gear in the Bible?A: On the book of Goloshes. (Colossians). Q: Who were the three shortest men in the Bible?A: Bildad the shoe-height, Knee-high Miah, and the man who fell asleep On His Watch. Q: Where did the murderer hide his weapon in the Bible?A: In the Book of Axe. (Acts). Q: How do you know when Enoch is at the door?A: 'E knocks. Q: What's the first Supreme Court case in the Bible?A: Joshua Judges Ruth. (Joshua, Judges, Ruth).
+++++++++++++++++++
"Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff said he had a gut
feeling there could be a new terror attack. Coincidentally,
Al Gore said he had a gut feeling that he needed more pie."
-Dave Letterman
***
"Sad news. Former first lady, Lady Bird Johnson, passed
away at age 94. Laura Bush praised her as a pioneer, an
icon, while President Bush praised her as a lady and a
bird." -Conan O'Brien
***
"I guess everyone's going to the movies to stay cool,
because this new Harry Potter movie made $44 million in
one day. Harry Potter and the Order of Linguine and Clams,
I think." -Jimmy Kimmel