What Is That Stuff?
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed
into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.
He climbed down from his truck to survey the wreckage and within a
matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of state
department of transportation workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and
spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting
the pieces together.
In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed
and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief.
"What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Are you ready for this?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Here it comes!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dependents"
A man submitting information to his income tax preparer was asked how many dependents he had. "Sixteen," he replied.
The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"
The man replied, "Not if I can help it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
Doctors can be frustrating - you wait 6 weeks for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Jeweler's daughter: Opal
Gastrointerologist's daughter: Fanny
Butcher's daughter: Patty
Bartender's daughter: Brandy
Counterfeiter's son: Bill
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the
limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver noticed that
the Pope was still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," said the driver, "would you
please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," said the Pope, "they never
let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive
today."
"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?" protested the driver,
wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," said the
Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope climbed
in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his
decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme
Pontiff floored it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleaded the worried
driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal until they
heard sirens.
"Oh no, I'm gonna lose my license," moaned the driver.
The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the cop
approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to
his motorcycle, and got on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatcher.
The Chief got on the radio and the cop told him that he'd
stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important,"
said the cop.
Then the Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Available Now
Every year my employer offers T-shirts to the employees with our logo
emblazoned across the front. In order to get one, all we have to do is call
the person in charge of T-shirt distribution and tell them the size that we
want. Since my employer doesn't often give us stuff, I always take full
advantage of the situation and order one. A couple of years ago I called the
T-shirt distributor and asked that he reserve a shirt for me.
"What size do you want? We have large and extra large."
"I'll take a medium."
"We don't have mediums. All we have are large and extra large."
"But I want a medium."
"But we don't have mediums."
"I'll take a small."
"We don't have small. We have large and extra large."
"I'll take a medium."
I could tell that the distributor was getting very frustrated with me so I
decided to settle for a large size shirt. I told all of my coworkers about
my conversation with the distributor and most of them agreed that they would
do the same and ask the distributor for size medium. Last year, a memo was
circulated saying that, due to the high demand, size medium shirts would now
be offered. I immediately called to order my shirt.
"What size would you like? We have medium, large and extra large."
"I'll take a small."
"We don't have small. We have medium, large and extra large."
"But I want a small."
"But we don't have small. We only have medium, large and extra large."
"I thought the memo said you would have small."
"The memo said we would have medium this year."
"But I want a small."
"We don't have small."
I told the guy I'd settle for a large and proceeded to inform my coworkers
of my antics. This time, most of them tried to order a size small shirt
without success. Within a couple of days all of the large and extra large
shirts were gone but not one size medium shirt was given away.
As T-shirt time fast approaches, a memo has been distributed announcing that
size small T-shirts will be available this year due to the heavy interest
shown for them last year. The shirts will be available in two weeks. Size
mediums are available now.