"Dishwasher Repair"
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
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CleanQuote
"Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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"Getting What You Want"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
We were driving our three-year-old son to his Grandma's home when we stopped at a store. Once inside, our son decided he wanted one of those large gumballs.
I told him he couldn't have one, and he began to pout. I leaned over to him and said, "This is a fact of life: You don't always get everything you want."
"I know," he replied. "Just don't tell Gramma."
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Grandfather Turkey
Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey
scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief,"
she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd
turn over in his gravy."
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You Might Be a Redneck This Thanksgiving If...
... you've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping-pong
table.
... Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
... you've ever reused a paper plate.
... if you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all
say Cool Whip on the side.
... if you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet
table.
... your turkey platter is an old hubcap.
... your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
... your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait
shop.
... your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
... side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
... you have to go outside to get something out of the
'fridge.
... the directions to your house include "turn off the paved
road."
... you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
... you have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
... your secret family recipe is illegal.
... you serve Vienna sausage as an appetizer.
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"The American colonists said, 'We discovered new lands and territories.'
Hey, if you believe that, I can go to court and say, 'Your honor, I was
exploring some fire escapes and discovered this man's apartment. I planted
my flag in his living room and now all his stuff is mine!'" -Warren
Hutcherson
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Ode To A Turkey
Remembering the horrors of Black November...
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop;
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know.
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of ‘Black November’...
“Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,
And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.
And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;
Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink.”
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat;
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and grapes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said, “Christmas is coming!”