Tuesday, November 09, 2004

hUMOR For November 9th

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Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life.
Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.
"He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"
"He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.
Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."
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'MARVELOUSLY MATURE' WHEN:

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
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Rebecca was the wealthy wife of a very successful businessman. One day, she decided to have her portrait painted as a gift to her husband. When she arrived at the artist's studio for her first sitting, Rebecca immediately explained to him exactly what she wanted.
"You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all stay. BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?"
The artist looked at Rebecca in earnest and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with the phoney jewelry.
Rebecca replied, "When I die, I know my husband will quickly re-marry. When he does, his new wife will go crazy looking for the jewels".
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From our archive -- Thanks to L.B.S. for this one: THE PAINS OF CHILDBIRTH

Here are the answers to some questions that you may have had about pregnancy:

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause headaches?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

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From StanKegel: Theme Songs for Bible Characters

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

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From a friend: CHECK-OUT REVELATIONS

This Comes From A Former Grocery Bagger Who Just Retired And Has Seen It All

Rule Number 1 -- When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and bagged before you start looking for your checkbook. Then, after you make a futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and make sure your checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.

Rule Number 2 -- Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items. IT'S THE LAW!!!

Rule Number 3 -- When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items, always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes," then the people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says "no," then YOU can get mad at him. Either way, you win!

Rule Number 4 -- Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so that when you are in the express lane you won't be embarrassed by spending all that time looking for one and not finding any.

Rule Number 5 -- When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need to make the right decision. Don't be rushed; get it right. If you're not sure just say "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again, giving you more time to decide. You may want to practice this at home in case you are ever asked this question at a grocery store.

Rule Number 6 -- Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for choosing paper or plastic.
Checkers by nature are very curious, and if you should fail to give them your reason for choosing paper over plastic the clerk is liable to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't choose plastic.

Rule Number 7 -- Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you don't want to lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt, don't fret whether the checker will automatically know the price.
After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.

Rule Number 8 -- Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of the bag.

Rule Number 9 -- Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know. All checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should decide to make that night. They can give you precise directions to anywhere in the state you might want to go. They can tell you the best restaurant around, the kind of wine you will like best or anything else you may need to know about life. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.

Rule Number 10 -- Don't forget rule NO. 8

Rule Number 11 -- After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes and it's finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that more help is needed. He will certainly ensure that there is plenty of help next time.

Rule Number 12 -- When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, don't feel pressured into answering him. After all the clerk has to be polite -- but you don't have to.

Rule Number 13 -- When the store is not busy and there is only one checkstand with a light on be sure to ask the nearest clerk which checkstand is open. You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one.

Rule Number 14 -- If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item, and you don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks love that because they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often.