You're, um, WelcomeYou know this sort of user: the kind who blames IT for everything. "If I walk past her desk and so much as glance in her direction, anything that happens on her PC, lost file or otherwise, must be my fault," says the network administrator.So he dreads the call he gets from her one day: "There's something wrong with my fax software. It hasn't worked in months. You must have done something to it."He hasn't done any support on this user's PC in months and hasn't touched the fax software since he installed it four years ago. And he really doesn't want to go anywhere near the PC because he knows that, for months to come, everything will be his fault.Hoping to dodge that headache, he emails the user. "Is the phone cable plugged into your computer and your phone?" he asks in the email.The response comes by voice mail: "Well, that was pretty smart of you. The cable wasn't plugged in my phone. Thanks for your help -- you must have unplugged it the last time you were here!"
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"Laws of Parenthood"
There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood
A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.
Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.
A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.
The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.
The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
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Oneliner
"Only one shopping day left until tomorrow."
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CleanPun - "Amoeba Line" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Have you heard the latest amoeba pick up line?
Well, those little cells just sidle right up to another and they say,
"Hey, baby, after they made you they threw away the mold."
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G.P.A."
At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful young thing and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties.
"Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?"
Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27 in the city and 38 on the highway."
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"A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no
actual children." - Dave Barry
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Time to lie on the beach. Yeah, I never tell the truth
anywhere.
When repairmen say they'll "Come sometime next week," I
usually say, "Fine, I'll pay you sometime next year."
I'm a pretty patient person. Just as long as I'm not kept
waiting for anything.
I use my cookbook often -- to throw at people who suggest I
cook.
Remember the "Twilight Zone" episode where a man went all
day without saying anything stupid? That'll never happen in
real life.
It's National Chili Week! Which makes next week National
Stay Indoors Week.
I learned something important about burning leaves. Wait
until they fall off the trees.
With each passing week, the days are getting a little bit
shorter. Kind of like me.
Here's a spooky Halloween mystery: How do they fit so many
calories into those mini candy bars?
Sadie Hawkins Day is when women hit on men. If noogies
count, I hit on 'em every day.
I'm thinking of renewing my vow ... to never get married
again.
Breaking up is hard to do. Unless you're mad and there's a
vase nearby.
The best thing about late November is watching people who
make homemade Christmas gifts start to really panic.
I could be a member of the "Polar Bear Club." Yeah, I stand
in freezing cold water whenever someone flushes the toilet
while I'm in the shower.
I enjoy battling mall crowds for the hot new Christmas toys.
Oh, I don't buy the toy -- I just like battling.
Ever notice how the guy with the light-up Christmas tie
always leaves the party alone?
I found a surprise or two under the tree -- the dog hates
going outside in the snow.
I've got Christmas fever. That's what I get for skipping my
flu shot.
My personal goal for this year is to get in the way of other
people's goals.
I wish those long-distance phone companies would offer a
special low rate on those calls to relatives that rattle on
and on about nothing.
Now that the holidays are over, there are a lot of bargains
out there -- in the form of slightly used gifts I've
returned.
I cut my heating costs by 30 percent. Just let my legs go
numb below the knee.
January is designated as National Diet Month -- mainly
because December is National Eat-Like-a-Pig Month.
I'm getting cabin fever. Mainly from drinking syrup straight
from the bottle.
Thought about taking up snowboarding, but then I figured,
why not just ram myself into a tree and save that long trip
to the mountains.
It's National Hot Tea Month! Throw a tea drinker into a
harbor to celebrate.
The handy thing about credit cards is that they're a great
way to pay off your credit cards.
Got the all-animal channel and the all-history channel, but
I'm still waiting for the all-whining channel.
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There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed. In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?" The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?" The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!" Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"
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Cup holder is not working in my computer (G)Joke Submitted By: Emperor Soul
A computer manufacture called some of their clients to askabout how much they are satisfied with their computer. Company: Hi, I'm calling from U Computer, you have recentlypurchased a computer from us. Client: Oh Yeah. Company: Are you satisfied with your computer? Client: Yes, but I don't know why this computer came with acoffee cup holder and after many use it's not working. Company: Odd, we don't sell computer with a computer with acoffee cup holder. Client: Hmm . . . Yes, there is. It is labeled CD-writer andthere is a little button when I press it, a tray comes outand I put the cup on it. Computer: Sir, it is a compact disc player and writer. Itis used for Audio CDs, Software CDs, but not for using it asa cup holder. Client: Oh, so that's why it broke! Thank you. Bye.