"PC Assets"
My husband refused to learn how to operate a PC. I tried to get him to realize how important it is, since all our financial records are stored on disks.
"What if something happens to me?" I asked him. "You wouldn't know what our assets are."
"Honey," he replied, "if something happened to you, I wouldn't need any money."
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CleanQuote
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."
(From a headstone in Ireland)
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"Surprises"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My daughter's third-grade teacher had assigned the children to write a story titled "My Biggest Surprise."
Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina's work. It read: "I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy and Daddy's bed and hopped in. But it wasn't Mommy at all.
It was Mrs. Del Campo!"
What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs.
Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.
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Winters were fierce where the estate owner lived, so he felt
he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his
foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the
earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked,
"Didn't you like the muffs?"
The foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."
"Why don't you wear them?"
The foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day,
and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him!
Never again, never again!"
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The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a casual
manner, think about whether you want him spending your tax money. A billion
is a difficult number to comprehend, but here is help:
a. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
b. A billion minutes ago Jesus was walking on earth.
c. A billion hours ago our world was created.
d. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our
government is spending it.
Note: Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress
for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans. What does this mean? If you are
one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each
get $516, 528.21 Not bad
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I called to make airline reservations and was put on hold. After several
minutes of taped music, a recorded voice came on:
"If you have been waiting longer than ten minutes, you may press eight. This
will not speed up your call, but it will give you something to do while you
wait."
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The sign on Dick Cheney's desk "The buckshot stops here."
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What Bubba hides in his logs…
“Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?”
“Yes. What can I do for you?”
“I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Bubba Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Bubba's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Bubba and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Bubba's house.
“Hey, Bubba! This here's Jethro... did the Sheriff come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep!”