Friday, July 04, 2008

hUMOR For July 4th

New Math

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the blankety-blank difference?"

"That's exactly what I said!"

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WeirdNews

5 runaway monkeys caught, 10 still loose

LAKELAND , Fla. (UPI) -- Florida wildlife officials said they have recovered five of the 15 Patas monkeys that escaped from a Polk County, Fla., wildlife sanctuary.

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission said three of the monkeys were caught last week only a few miles from the private animal sanctuary they fled from April 19, the St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported Wednesday.

"They hadn't gone far," commission spokesman Gary Morse said.

Morse said trappers have set up "bait stations" to attempt to lull the monkeys into an eating routine that would make their capture easier.

"It's taken longer than we had hoped for," Morse said.

Lex Salisbury, chief executive of Lowry Park Zoo, said the monkeys had been given a home on a 1-acre island that was surrounded by a wide moat in the Safari Wild sanctuary; but the native African primates, which had been relocated from Puerto Rico, vanished from their new habitat within days.

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Police: Thief threw burrito at clerk

STOCKTON, Calif. (UPI) -- Authorities in San Joaquin County, Calif., say they are searching for a man who allegedly struck a store clerk with a frozen burrito and stole a bag of chips.

San Joaquin County sheriff's deputies said the New Country Market clerk, who was not injured, told them the man became angry after he refused to lower the price of the $2 frozen burrito, KCRA-TV in Sacramento reported Wednesday.

The man, who claimed to have only $1, threw the burrito at the clerk and fled the store with a bag of chips, the clerk told police.

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Police: Students left skull in apartment

PHILADELPHIA (UPI) -- Police said a human skull was found inside an apartment that had recently been vacated by a group of seven University of Pennsylvania students.

Philadelphia police said an assistant manager of the apartment building found the skull on the kitchen counter after the students had left, WCAU-TV, Philadelphia, reported Wednesday.

Investigators said they do not know which of the students left the skull behind and thus far there is no indication that a crime has been committed.

Lt. Frank Vanore said the discovery makes "kind of a weird story," even for the Philadelphia police. He said the skull may have been used as a learning tool for a medical student or it may have been purposefully left in the kitchen as a prank.

Jeff Moran, a spokesman for the Philadelphia Medical Examiner's Office, said the skull will be analyzed by a forensic anthropologist.

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PETA letter sent to wrong town's officials

OLMSTED FALLS, Ohio (UPI) -- Officials in Olmsted Falls, Ohio, said a letter they received from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals should have been sent to nearby Olmsted Township.

Olmsted Falls Mayor Robert Blomquist and the local City Council received a letter from PETA that urged them to outlaw use of bullhooks, electric prods and other objects used to cause pain to elephants ahead of a recent circus, WEWS-TV, Cleveland, reported Wednesday.

However, the circus was actually held in Olmsted Township, which is governed by a separate group of officials. The event took place as planned Tuesday.

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Hiccup spell stops after 65 days

OMAHA (UPI) -- An Omaha, Neb., woman said her 11-year-old daughter's chronic hiccups stopped abruptly after 65 days.

Dawn Swanger said doctors told her there was nothing physically wrong with her daughter, Ericka, and the family tried all manner of home remedies for the condition, including drinking water through a towel while upside-down and using a drinking device called a "Hic-cup," KETV, Omaha, Neb., reported Thursday.

"It started April 1," Ericka said. "We were in English class at school, and it was no big deal. Then, a couple weeks later, we started getting worried. They hurt, but not that much anymore. I got used to the pain."

Dawn Swanger said her daughter's hiccups stopped mysteriously on the day she was to have visited hypnotist Jeanette Laitner, who hypothesized the condition was being caused by the girl's subconscious.

"It might have started out physically, but it ends up being subconscious," Laitner said.

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Boy, 9, crashes family minivan

LORAIN, Ohio (UPI) -- A 9-year-old Lorain, Ohio, boy and his 5-year-old sister are "very grounded" after they crashed their family's minivan during a joyride, their mother said.

Police said Hunter Lance, 9, drove one to two miles in the minivan with his sister, Jessica, 5, in tow before he swerved on a busy road, grazed a telephone pole and barreled into a fence, WEWS-TV, Cleveland, reported Thursday.

The children suffered minor injuries and had exited the vehicle by the time police arrived.

Their mother, Marsha Lance, said the children apparently took her keys out of her purse while she was sleeping. She said she did not know the children were gone until she was awakened by police at her door.

"I was OK for a minute and then I was in shock," she said.

She said the children seemed to have been headed to visit their father at work in the town of Oberlin.

Hunter, who said he does not plan to repeat the stunt anytime soon, said curiosity led him to take the minivan for a spin.

"Well, I wanted to see how good I could drive," he said.

Police said the crash will be reviewed by a prosecutor, but no charges are expected.

/// 91-year-old square dance caller thrives

ROXBURY, Conn. (UPI) -- A 91-year-old Connecticut man said he must be "doing something right" to still be healthy and calling square-dances after 62 years on the job.

When people ask Culver Griffin, of Roxbury, Conn., how he has lived to be 91, he said he simply tells them "I haven't died yet."

"But beyond that, I've been dancing for 75 years, and I have my own knees and my own hips and most of my friends who are 60-year-olds have metal hips, so I guess I'm doing something right," he said.

Griffin, who has survived two angioplasties and two heart attacks, began square dancing when he was 18 and has been calling the dances since 1946, The New York Times reported Thursday.

Griffin said his 57-year-old wife and good genetics help keep him young.

He still calls dances every Friday at a senior living facility in Bethel, Conn.

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Initial Protocol

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit.

One day a long memo came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed.

A few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read: "You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee."

"Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."

I did.

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"Murphy's Laws of Law Enforcement"

New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy.

You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.

Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.

The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.

Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom".

Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.

To err is human, to forgive is against department policy.

Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.

If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for directions.

Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.

Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.

Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.

Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.

Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff.

If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.

The speed with which you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.

Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy.

Bullet proof vests might be.

Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way.

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Oneliner

"At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all. I just can't remember it all."

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CleanPun - "Heredity"

"The child had his mother's eyes, his mother's nose and his mother's mouth. Which left his mother with a pretty blank expression."
- Robert Benchley

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”Nine”

Rod was meeting a friend at a singles bar, and as he went in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. "Nine," he heard one whisper as he passed.

Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his waiting buddy and told him a girl had just rated him a nine!

"I don't want to burst your bubble," his friend replied, "but when you came in, they were speaking German."