The Saddest Story
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I just realized that I left the room key in the car!"
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Rich Man in Heaven
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.
Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?"
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Puzzled
On a shopping trip to the city a backwoods farmer bought a 24-piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle was finished.
"Look what I've don, Jess," he said proudly to a visiting neighbor.
"That's surely somethin', Willard. How long did it take you?"
"Only two weeks."
"Never done a puzzle myself," Jess said. "Is two weeks fast?"
"Darn tootin'," Willard said. "Look at the box. It says, 'From two to four years."
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Dumb Truckers
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first.
"Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
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Family Picnic
The service area was located on a main highway leading to
the beach. The pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired
and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to tank
up. When a rusty old van containing a very tired looking
couple and six screaming children pulled into his station,
the attendant tried small talk to cheer the occupants.
"Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids
there. Are they all yours, or is this a picnic?"
Wearily, the driver replied, "Yes, they are all mine, and
it's NO picnic!"
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"As if we don't have enough problems. Fifteen different pre-
scription drugs in our drinking water. Fifteen! Honest to
God, you need a doctor's prescription to turn on the faucet."
-David Letterman
***
"Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a
work place anymore. They think of it as a stationery store
with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes,
your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee--and
then you go home." --Jerry Seinfeld
***
"At a recent speech to hundreds of university professors,
Bill Gates said it's puzzling why more kids don't want to
become computer programmers. Gee, I don't know, you think
maybe it's because at some point they'd actually like to
have a girlfriend." --Jay Leno
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I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting
and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild
game.
I guess they eat so much, in fact, that one evening as I
set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table,
my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said,
"Boy, it sure would be nice in pizzas lived in the woods."
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As the plane was flying low over some hills near
blonde asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff all over those
hills?"
"Just snow," replied the stewardess.
"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in
front of me said it was
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Old Photos
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a
drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly
surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me,
taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at
that!" he said with appreciation. "It's my old
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was historically inevitable.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: . . .and God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?
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A teacher was giving her class a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said: "Now, children, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes, Miss," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
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Kid Quotes
- MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
- STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
- SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
- DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
- JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, is one for hot milk and one for cold milk?"
- MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple who were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
- JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named
- TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"