hUMOR For Aug 11th

Cutting Class

A teacher was reprimanding a teenager in the hall. "Do you mind
telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I
really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like
because I'm y'know, like I don't like get anything out of it."

"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

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The Wedding Dress

When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear

mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the

first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as

Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on

her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my

arm around her.

"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in

time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."

"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit

into that dress!"

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Incredibly Dumb

- AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

- Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

- An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

- A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

- A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

- Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

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Cat Rules

- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

- Anything not nailed down is a cat toy. Anything which can be pried up isn't sufficiently nailed down.

- At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

- Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

- Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.

- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

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Math Problems

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

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Drugs or Booze

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!"

Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"

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"More bad news for air travelers. Earlier today, U.S. Air-

ways began charging passengers on its flights for water.

Even worse, the oxygen masks are now coin-operated."

-Conan O'Brien

***

"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL

CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm

not afraid of small children." --Jonathan Katz

***

"I fell in love once, and I thought she fell in love with me

too. Are you familiar with the situation? I sat with an en-

gagement ring, waiting for an answer. I was a single guy with

an engagement ring. It was like having a loaded gun laying

around the house. I was frightened I'd marry somebody by ac-

cident." -Jake Johannsen

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Police officers in Brockton, Mass received a call regarding

an injured animal lying on a street corner. When they arrived

at the scene they found a dog that had been hit by a car. But

according to the local newspaper, the police report stated

that the dog was okay and "refused medical treatment."

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A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed,

great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly

of after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks

into an upscale cocktail lounge.

To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking

lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her,

orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So

tell me, do I come here often?"

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Earnest Prayer

A little boy had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.

"Good!" said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said the little boy. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

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Exercise

"Don't swallow these pills," the doctor said, The doctor handed her
overweight patient a bottle of pills. "Instead, spill them on the
floor three times a day and pick them up one by one.

hUMOR For Aug 10th

"A new study says that it actually takes men longer to shop

on the internet then it does for them to shop in an actual

store. Well of course! There's no naked women at the stores."

--Jay Leno

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Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends'

and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to

compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted

on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number

of computer stores to find a software program that would do

the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found

one where the clerk seemed experienced.

"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays

and anniversaries?" I asked.

"Have you tried a wife?" he replied.

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A New York judge is ready to go through the day's business

and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an elderly

Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payos, the works.

The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk:

"Quick...get me a translator."

Translator shows up and the judge says: "Ask him what his

name is, how old is he and where does he come from?"

The translator says: "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein

namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?"

The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect

English with a British accent: "Your Honour. My name is Sir

Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I've come

from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at

Oxford University."

The translator turns to the judge and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr

is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt,

und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun

Oxford."

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Weird News

Boy bites dog

RIO DE JANEIRO (UPI) -- A young Brazilian boy being attacked by a pit bull bit the dog in self-defense, causing the canine to flee, the boy's grandmother said.

Eleven-year-old Gabriel da Silva was playing in his family's garden when the animal, a family pet, attacked him. However, da Silva fought back by biting the dog, O Globo reported.

The boy reportedly only suffered minor injuries, said police.

///

Woman has Mona Lisa mowed into her lawn

LONDON (UPI) -- A British art-lover said she hired a 3D art expert to create an all-grass reproduction of the Mona Lisa on her home's lawn.

Tania Ledger, 48, of London, called on expert Chris Naylor, who recreated the Mona Lisa for the film "The Da Vinci Code," to complete a similar work of lawn art, The Telegraph reported.

Naylor said he spent two days chopping and snipping away at Ledger's lawn with garden tools and a lawn mower to create the grass image of the Mona Lisa.

Ledger said she doesn't mind that the masterpiece will grow out over time.

"It's like a haircut -- if you don't like it you can grow it out and you can try out as many new looks as you like," she told the newspaper.

///

Woman has Mona Lisa mowed into her lawn

LONDON (UPI) -- A British art-lover said she hired a 3D art expert to create an all-grass reproduction of the Mona Lisa on her home's lawn.

Tania Ledger, 48, of London, called on expert Chris Naylor, who recreated the Mona Lisa for the film "The Da Vinci Code," to complete a similar work of lawn art, The Telegraph reported.

Naylor said he spent two days chopping and snipping away at Ledger's lawn with garden tools and a lawn mower to create the grass image of the Mona Lisa.

Ledger said she doesn't mind that the masterpiece will grow out over time.

"It's like a haircut -- if you don't like it you can grow it out and you can try out as many new looks as you like," she told the newspaper.

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Bug Spray

One day, finding a wasp had entered the house, a wife shouted to her
husband, "There's a wasp in here. Do we have any spray?"

He told her there was a can under the sink.

"Honey," she called. "This is ant and roach spray."

"Well," her husband replied, "don't show him the label."

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"Matt Damon announced that his wife is going to have a baby.

I thought Ben Affleck was looking a little bigger."

-Craig Ferguson

***

"Barack Obama is upset because the other day in Israel, some-

one revealed the contents of a private prayer Obama inserted

into Jerusalem's Western Wall. Experts say it's even worse

than the time The Washington Post printed President Bush's

letter to Santa." -Conan O'Brien

***

"A guy goes to Wendy's, orders the chili, and finds a dead

mouse. Wendy's said, 'Don't worry about it — it's a Disney

promotion.'" -David Letterman

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Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of

Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated

on my driver's license.

"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.

"No," I replied.

"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."

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Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.

"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor

says.

"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.

"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."

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Drought Affects Churches

Severe drought affects churches in northern Alabama,

Tennessee, and northwest Georgia.

Did you know that because of the drought in these areas,

church budgets are greatly affected?

Baptist churches are having to sprinkle for baptisms, the

Methodists are using wet wipes for their baptisms, and the

Catholics are praying that God will turn the wine back into

water.

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Airline Fixes

I have a friend who is a very nervous flyer. During a recent trip he took from California to Indiana, it didn't help that his connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems.

Then, after he was aloft, he noticed the cabin lights were flickering. Losing his peace of mind, he decided to mention this to a flight attendant.

"I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been watching my friend leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."

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What Really Matters

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach.

"Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

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Driving Instruction

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it.

I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off. I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.