For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I'm having trouble with my breathing.I'll give you something that will soon put a stop to that! Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show?Absolutely nothing! Doctor Doctor I'm so ugly what can I do about it?Hire yourself out for Halloween parties! Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself goldDon't worry it's just a gilt complex!
+++++++++++++++++++
The store's policy on returns was prominently posted at every register as
well as throughout the store. Every receipt also had the same information. A
store credit would be given on all returns, but there were no cash refunds.
After explaining this policy to the grouchy dowager, the woman blew up at
the clerk, finally demanding the name of the President and his address. The
clerk replied George Bush, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC.
The woman promptly wrote this information down and stuffed it into her
purse. "He will hear from me!" she announced as she stormed out of the
store.
+++++++++++++++++++
My daughter was coming home from work last one night, when she came across a
huge building fire. As she was stuck in traffic, she thought to herself, "I
must be a half a mile away from the fire, and I can feel the heat from
here!"
Then she realized, she had the heater on full blast.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose
weight is take a bath." - Richard Zera.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ski Trip
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him. Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire. Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross." Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Silent Wife
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. "What's the matter?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days." The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender. "Yeah, except today is the last night."
+++++++++++++++++++
Pet Shop Monkeys
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog!Sit! Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.I see your point! Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad?Well, I wouldn't start watching any new soap operas! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a telephone.Well, take these pills and if they don't work then give me a ring!
+++++++++++++++++++
Vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings about
bears posted in campgrounds, visitors' centers and rest areas advising
people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees
you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.
My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas
station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a
bear, don't come in here!"
+++++++++++++++++++
At the hospital where I work, the quality of meals offered in the employees'
cafeteria is a true source of aggravation. Once I watched two young
surgeons approach the serving line. After reading the posted menu and
looking over the dishes displayed, one doctor turned to the other and
remarked, "Well, no doubt about it, this calls for a culinary bypass."
Then they left to hurry five blocks to Katz' Deli.
+++++++++++++++++++
Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.