"In an effort to promote healthy eating McDonald's has
decided to stop offering supersized fries and drinks. The
odd part is that you can still get a bacon milkshake."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"The government had to bail out two huge companies, and
today they strongly hinted that they'd bail out others...
at taxpayers' expense of course. It's all part of a new
approach that leaders in the White House and Congress are
taking — it's called socialism." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"I was in Las Vegas this past weekend. I saw a Drew Carey
game there. You know you've made it when there's a game
named after you. It was called The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet."
-Craig Ferguson
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My cousin was behind the bakery's cash register one morning
when a gunman burst in and demanded all the cash. As she
nervously handed over the money, she noticed the rolls of
coins in the back of the register. "Do you want the rolls
too?" she asked.
"No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."
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When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when
you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."
When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I
could not please any of them.
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Extremely Old
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.
Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."
Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"
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"Power Lesson"
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
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Oneliner
FREE ONE DOLLAR BILLS! Please send $4.95 to cover postage & handling- limit 1 per order.
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CleanPun - "Synthetic Diamond"
An Irishman by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."
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”Lawyer Jury”
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.
It was nearly 4 p.m.and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
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Picture MenuI stopped at the local Burger King for a cold soda and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that. Of course I asked how such a customer would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic,"Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"
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"Vice President Dick Cheney visited Saudi Arabia over the
weekend, and he's very popular in Saudi Arabia, over there
he's known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia." --David Letterman
***
"Here's an interesting statistic - according to "Cosmo",
over 30 percent of men between the ages of 18 and 34 still
live with their parents. These men are known as "Star Wars"
fans." --Jay Leno
***
"According to a national organization that studies obesity,
nine of the fattest states in America are in the lower third
of the country. In other words, geographically, America has
a fat ass." --Conan O'Brien
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I'm a driving examiner for the state of Indiana, and while
I was giving a road test to a young man, he went through a
red light without stopping. I told him that he had auto-
matically failed the test. We met up with his mother back
at the office, and I explained what had happened. At first
she was speechless. Then she asked incredulously, "He ran
a red light?"
"Yes," I replied.
"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light?"
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I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine
when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order.
I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink
called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" I asked. He admitted he'd
never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it
up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back
and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if
he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I asked the
customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"
He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said,
pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."
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Class Pictures
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."
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Managerium
The heaviest element known to science is Managerium. This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice- neutrons all going round in circles. Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization. Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.
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Quick Funny
Q: Did you hear about the unique platypus? A: He was unlike all the otters.
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Frog Noise, please
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No." The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No, now go play." The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?" The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"