Friday, September 19, 2008

hUMOR For Septg 19th

Cletus' Order
Cletus walks into a building and goes up to a lady and says "Can I have a cheeseburger, fries and a shake?" The lady looks at him dumbfounded and says, "Cletus, this is a library." So Cletus moves closer and whispers, "Can I have a cheeseburger, fries and a shake?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Wisdom of the Phrases
- If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. - Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. - Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. - Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. - If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. - My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. - It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. - For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. - If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. - Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Clown Couple
Girl Clown: Do you love me? Boy Clown: Yes, I love you.Girl Clown: But, do you really love me?Boy Clown: Yes, I really love you.Girl Clown: But, do you really, truly love me?Boy Clown: Yes! Yes, I really, truly love you! I would die for you!Girl Clown: You’re always saying that, but you never do it.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Perfect Idiot
Auguste Clown: I suppose you think that I’m a perfect idiot? Whiteface Clown: Oh, no—nobody’s perfect.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

My mama always said we were put on this earth to help others.
My question is, what are the others here for?

***

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets
better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

***

"Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere."
-G. K. Chesterton

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Manning the computer help desk for the local school district
was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the
job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.

"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.

"I am real," I said.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What
I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually
knows something?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade
teachers were Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the
mother of a student called in the middle of a flu epidemic
to excuse her daughter from school.

"Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked.

"She feels fine," said the confused mom. "We have company,
and I'm keeping her home."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Medical or Surgical?

The two young boys were discussing their ailments together in the children's ward.
"Are you medical or surgical?" asked the first, who had been in the ward for a week.
"I don't know what you mean," replied the second.
"It's simple," replied the first. "Were you sick when you came in here? Or did they make you sick when you got here?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Man pleads guilty to faking death
GLOUCESTER, England (UPI) -- A Gloucester, England, man has pleaded guilty to faking his own death to receive a $600,000 life insurance payout. Ahmad Akhtary, 34, admitted to obtaining a fake certificate from Afghanistan that said he died of "brain trauma" after an accident in the country and to conspiring with his ex-wife, Anne, 43, to use the fake document to obtain $600,000 from their Norwich Union shared life insurance policy, The Sun reported. Authorities said Akhtary did not take great lengths to hide his deception, as he continued to work and pay taxes under his own name in Gloucester. They said the scam was uncovered after Akhtary went into his doctor's office for a check-up. Akhtary pleaded guilty in Gloucester Crown Court to attempting to obtain money by deception. Anne Akhtary pleaded guilty to the same charge in addition to having a false instrument. Both were sentenced to nine months imprisonment, suspended for two years, and ordered to complete 40 hours of community service work.
///
Thin red line may keep wolves at bay
MONT TREMBLANT, Quebec (UPI) -- Campers at a Canadian park are being protected from hungry wolves by a single strand of cord with red ribbons strung around their campsites. That's the solution rangers in Quebec's Mont Tremblant National Park are trying after having to kill three wolves showing signs of becoming too comfortable around people last year, The Gazette newspaper in Montreal reported Monday. The park has about three dozen wolves. The rangers, who blame campers who feed the wolves, put up two miles of fencing around 300 campsites on Monroe Lake a month ago. The fence consists of a single strand of low-strung nylon cord with wide strips of red cloth every yard or so. It's a centuries-old European trick that some U.S. ranchers use to protect their herds, but it's the first time it's been tried in a national, provincial or state park in North America, said Hugues Tennier, Mont Tremblant's chief conservation officer. "Why this curtain works, we don't know," he said, though some research indicates it may have something to do with the color, an effect that may be only temporary. So far, so good: There have been no reports of wolf sightings inside the perimeter. Previous efforts to shoo away the wolves included sounding foghorns and "bear bangers," a small gun that fires a shell that makes gunfire noises, The Gazette said.
///
Magicians battle over dueling conventions
BLACKPOOL, England (UPI) -- Two British magicians who contend the country's main magic convention is too old-fashioned have angered organizers by setting up an alternative event. Collin Richardson and Geoff Pescud said they started planning the Southern England Magic Convention after concluding the 56-year-old Blackpool Magicians' Convention, which attracts 3,500 practitioners of the illusion arts annually, is stuck in the last millennium, The Daily Telegraph reported. However, the duo raised the ire of Blackpool organizer Derek Lever, 70, by scheduling their event for Jan. 31. The traditional tribute to magic trickery is set for Feb. 20. Lever sent a letter to convention regulars noting the "barring clause" that bans exhibitors from setting up shop at any British convention in the five-week period leading up to Blackpool. "Dealers who have just been seen at another convention are no longer an attraction," Lever wrote. "To try and spoil what we have is pointless and silly. They decided to have a go and they are using any tactics they can at the moment as they are in panic mode." Richardson and Pescud said they are fighting back with appeals to the Board of Trade, Trading Standards-Competition Commission and European Commission to intervene on behalf of their convention. "We are 400 miles from Blackpool and we can only take 1,400 people. A lot of the people coming to ours would never go to Blackpool," Richardson said.
Police hunt possible lion in N. Ireland
BELFAST, Northern Ireland (UPI) -- Police in Belfast, Northern Ireland, say the lion several people reported seeing in a city park likely was a big dog. "Police can confirm that there's no stray lion wandering about in north Belfast," a police spokeswoman told The Daily Telegraph. Police had used a helicopter Sunday to search Cavehill Park, which is not far from the Belfast Zoo, after receiving several reports of a sandy-colored big cat wandering the area. They suspended the search as night fell and Monday determined the animal must have been a large stray dog, the Telegraph said. The Belfast Zoo said it checked its enclosures and all its large cats were there.
///
Support a Family
The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, "Son, can you support a family?" "Well, no, sir," he replied. "I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Questions About the 2010 Olympics

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010
Winter Olympics, people all over the world are asking
questions. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada
were posted on an International Tourism Website.
(Frightening, isn't it?)

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the
plants grow? (UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see polar bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto--can I follow
the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles. Take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada?
(Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of
places to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you
send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, and
Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your north...oh
forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you
get here, and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys
Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the
female population is smaller than the male population?
(Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available
all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan
hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a moose. It is tall and very violent, eating
the brains of anyone walking close to it. You can scare it
off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
ry