Answering machine message 29
Thank you for calling 217-2962. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
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Answering machine message 30
Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Very fast: Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
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Answering machine message 31
Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Double speed: Insert standard long-winded message here.
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Answering machine message 32
Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.
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Answering machine message 33
Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message before the tone.
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Answering machine message 34
If you are calling for John, press 1. If you are calling for Steve, press 1. If you are calling for John OR Steve, press 1. If you are calling for someone else, press 1. If...
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Answering machine message 35
After a power outage: Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message.
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Answering machine message 36
Start, low pitch, slow: Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy... Middle, normal: ...home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark, and Mike. Nobody's home... Later, high pitch, fast: ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen... End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish: ...kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP
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"Hillary Clinton is a money-making machine. She is a fund-
raising juggernaut. Here's what she made: $80 million so far
this year. $80 million! It's amazing, isn't it? Here's how
it breaks down: $30 million for advertising, $50 million for
pantsuits" --David Letterman
***
"A new poll of Democratic voters in Iowa has found that
senior citizens prefer Hillary Clinton. Unfortunately for
Hillary, the seniors still rank her third behind apple
sauce and creamed spinach." -Conan O'Brien
***
"It's fall - harvest festival time! I've only grown one plant
in my life, and I'd rather not talk about it... for legal
reasons." -Craig Ferguson
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At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my
hand to give the final blessing.
The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a
high-five.
Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five,
too.
I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter
of the guests.
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While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor
announced that their prison quartet would be singing the
following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the
vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.
The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the
church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.
"This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few bars and
always looking for the key."
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Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His
wife was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I
expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to
200 in 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When
his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure
enough, there was a medium-sized gift-wrapped box in the
middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway,
and brought the box back into the house. She opened it and
found a brand-new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
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A New Kind of Car
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life."
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Knock Knock - Jupiter
Knock KnockWho's there !Jupiter !Jupiter who !Jupiter hurry, or you'll miss the bus ! Knock KnockWho's there !Jupiter !Jupiter who !Jupiter fly in my soup !
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School Bus Ride
It was the first day of school, after summer vacation and time for me to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again. After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy remained on the bus. Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me know if any of the houses or people looked familiar. The boy sat in his seat contentedly and shook his head whenever I asked him if he recognized a person or place. After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to the school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got off the bus and started walking away. "Wait!" I called. "We have to go inside and find out where you live." "I live right there," he said, pointing to a house across the street. "I just always wanted to ride in a school bus."
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Do you know what day this is?
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered. "How could you think I would forget?" Whereupon he left for the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Arbor Day' in all my life!"
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Bank Robber
A burglar went to the bank and pointed a gun on the cashier and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say HISTORY."
The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject."