Ten signs you're an Internet geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"
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Vegetables
A single friend of mine probably won't make a great mother.
She was visiting with a friend and her friend's baby when
the friend had to use the restroom.
Being left to watch the infant for a bit, the single friend
asked, "What'll I do if he cries?"
"Feed him some vegetables," the mother called back.
It turns out that jalapeno isn't the baby's favorite.
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Don't Underestimate First Graders
st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders,
Six-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
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Car Accident
One day, while Maynard was out driving his car, he ran into a truck. The truck's driver made him pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
The truck driver took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told Maynard to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, the truck driver went over to Maynard's car and slashed the tires.
Maynard started laughing.
This made the truck driver angrier so he smashed Maynard's windshield.
This time Maynard laughed even harder.
Livid, the truck driver broke all Maynard's windows and keyed his car.
Maynard was now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks him what's so funny.
Maynard giggled and replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
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Lost an Ear
There where two men in a bulding site. One of them said, "Can you help me find my ear"
The other man said, "Is this it"
The first man replied, "No, mine has got a pencil behind it"
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Strudel
An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"
"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."
"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.
"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."
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Tenure
The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task it has a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain any more so it eats it.
It's rather like getting tenure.
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"Earlier today, Chinese officials held a ceremony to an-
nounce that it's exactly 100 days until the summer Olympics
and they're working hard to clean up
Unfortunately, they had to cut the ceremony short — because
the air caught on fire." -Conan O'Brien
***
"I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman
with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's
willing to make a decision she'll regret in the future."
--Richard Jeni
***
"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."
--Joseph Heller
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** Top Ten Signs it's Monday **
10. Yesterday was Tuesday and tomorrow is Sunday... at least
that is what you are thinking.
9. The President looks hungover as he issues his weekly apology
to the nation.
8. Another knee-slapping cartoon of that darn
"I hate Monday!"
7. You're happy to go to work in order to get some rest.
6. In your current opinion five days is a long time.
5. You break down into a sobbing mess on the floor because
there was no coffee left in the pot when you got to work.
4. You are half way to work before you realize you have been
listening to "Rev. Carl's Bible Hour" on your car radio.
3. You've already planned several thousand ways to avoid
actually doing work until Friday.
2. Husband begins warming up TV for Monday Night Football at
6 A.M. and carefully positioning snacks at strategic locations
around the living room.
1. The solid rain for the past two days has stopped, leaving
a beautiful, sunny day