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Thanks to M/M Riverrats for a funny one... WHO SAYS
REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT?
“Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
“I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob
Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's
house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but
find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left..
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy"
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Thanks to SK: Politically Correct 3 Little Pigs
Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together in
mutual respect and in harmony with their environment.
Using materials that were indigenous to the area they
each built a beautiful house. One pig built a house of
straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung,
clay and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in
a small kiln.
When they were finished, the pigs were satisfied with
their work and settled back to live in peace and
self-determination.
But their idyll was soon shattered.
One day, along came a big, bad wolf with expansionist
ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry in both a
physical and ideological sense.
When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house of
straw.
The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door,
shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"
The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no
fear for pigs defending their homes and culture."
But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was
his manifest destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew
down the house of straw.
The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with
the wolf in hot pursuit.
Where the house had stood, other wolves bought up the
land and started a banana plantation.
At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the
door and shouted, "Little, pigs, little pigs, let me
in!"
The pigs shouted back, "Go away, you carnivorous,
imperialistic oppressor!"
At this the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the
house of sticks.
The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf
close at their heels.
Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves
built a time- share condo resort complex for
vacationing wolves, with each unit a fiberglass
reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as
native curio shops, snorkeling and dolphin shows.
At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the
door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me
in!"
This time in response, the pigs sang songs of
solidarity and wrote letters of protest to the United
Nations.
By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal
to see the situation from the carnivore's point of
view.
So he huffed and puffed, and huffed and puffed, then
grabbed his chest and fell over dead from a massive
heart attack brought on from eating too many fatty
foods.
The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had
triumphed and did a little dance around the corpse of
the wolf.
Their next step was to liberate their homeland.
They gathered together a band of other pigs who had
been forced off their lands.
This new brigade of porcinistas attacked the resort
complex with machine-guns and rocket launchers and
slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear
signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in
their internal affairs.
Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with
free education, universal health care and affordable
housing for everyone.
Please note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical
construct. No actual wolves were harmed in the writing
of the story.
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"Haircut ID"
I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.
"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.
"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
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Today's Oneliner
"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
- Jack Lemmon
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"High School Math"
A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher,
"I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line."
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1. Preserve thyself.
2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.
3. A penny saved is an oversight.
4. Information deteriorates upward.
5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.
6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.
8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.
9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.
10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.
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Picking Up Clothes
Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's
room, a mother finally laid down the law. Each item of clothing she
had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents.
By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money
promptly, along with a 50-cent tip and a note that read:
"Thanks, Mom. Keep up the good work!"
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ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning
submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are
asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
01. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
02. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained
03. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
04. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
05. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
06. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
07. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
08. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
09. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up
after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die,
your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.