Easy Payment Plan
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the Revenue Canada Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Sir, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in
"Thank goodness," responded the man with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
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"Golden Bear Answer"
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
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Oneliner
"If you ever find yourself being ripped apart by a pack of wolves, try not to scream - everybody knows wolves can smell fear.
- Sean Alex
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CleanPun - "Rock and Roll Re-Releases"
Everybody is remaking their oldies hits!
- Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"
- The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
- The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
- Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"
- Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"
- Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
- Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
- Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
- ABBA - "Denture Queen"
- Paul Simon - "
- Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"
- Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"
- Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"
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”Flying Star”
It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II.
He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "Ahh soo, you only make one velly impoltant mistake!"
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Smoking man zapped by lightning
Adam Rice said he was listening to music and watching TV in an apartment in
"All of sudden it sounded like fireworks go off, just loud pops, like, constantly. The whole house lit up blue and I got zapped on my hand," he said.
Rice said he could feel the electricity leave through his feet after it went through his body.
The lightning strike caused nearby brush to burst into flames, WKMG said.
"I called the fire department and I (said), 'I just got struck by lightning and the woods are on fire.' Next thing I know my body felt like I stuck a fork in an outlet," he told reporters.
Rice said his foot burns a little but he decided not to go to the doctor.
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Rules Of Washington D.C.
- If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.
- Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.
- There is always one more son of a gun than you counted on.
- An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.
- The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
- Chicken little only has to be right once.
- "NO" is only an interim response.
- You can't kill a bad idea.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
- The truth is a variable.
- A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.
- You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.
- A promise is not a guarantee.
- If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.
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The Owl and The Pussycat
The owl and the pussycat went to sea,
but the end of our story's quite sad.
The owl pushed the pussycat over the edge
`cos her gameboy was driving him mad.
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In the Confession Box
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."
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Everybody
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
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Everybody
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
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Pants
Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more
successful than he was. Some even went so far as to insinuate that he
was henpecked.
Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off. One day, one of
his fiends asked the tiresome question again, "Who wears the pants in
your family?"
"I do," Doug answered. Then, after a pause, he added, "I also wash
and iron them."
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"He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt."
-Joseph Heller