hUMOR For Jan 8th

New Year’s Superstitions
Tips for bringing in the New Year...

Black-Eyed Peas
A tradition common to the southern states of the U.S. dictates that the eating of black-eyed peas on New Year’s Day will attract both general good luck and money in particular to the one doing the dining. Some choose to add other southern fare (such as ham hocks, collard greens, or cabbage) to this tradition, but the black-eyed peas are key.

Breakage
Avoid breaking things on the first day lest wreckage be part of your year. Also, avoid crying on the first day of the year lest that set the tone for the next 12 months.

Kissing At Midnight
We kiss those dearest to us at midnight not only to share a moment of celebration with our favourite people, but also to ensure those affections and ties will continue throughout the next 12 months. To fail to smooch our significant others at the stroke of 12 would be to set the stage for a year of coldness.

Letting the Old Year Out
At midnight, all the doors of a house must be opened to let the old year escape unimpeded. ‘He must leave before the New Year can come in,’ says popular wisdom.

Loud Noise
Make as much noise as possible at midnight. You’re not just celebrating – you’re scaring away evil spirits, so do a good job of it.

Money
Do not pay back loans or lend money or other precious items on New Year’s Day. To do so is to guarantee you’ll be paying out all year.

New Clothes
Wear something new January 1st to increase the likelihood of receiving more new garments during the year to follow.

Nothing Goes Out
Nothing – absolutely nothing, not even garbage – is to leave the house on the first day of the year. If you have presents to deliver on New Year’s Day, leave them in the car overnight. Don’t so much as take out a rug or take the empties to the recycle bin. Some people soften this rule by saying it’s okay to remove things from the home on New Year’s Day provided something else has been brought in first; the year must bugin with something being added to the home before anything is subtracted.

Paying Off Bills
The New Year should not be begun with the household in debt, so cheques should be written and mailed off prior to January 1. Likewise, personal debts should be settled before the New Year arrives.

Stocking Up
The New Year must not be seen in with bare cupboards, lest that be the way of things for the year. Larders must be topped up and plenty of money must be placed in every wallet in the home to guarantee prosperity.

Weather
Examine the weather in the early hours of New Year’s Day. If the wind blows from the south, there will be find weather and prosperous times in the year ahead. If it comes from the north, it will be a year of bad weather.

Work
Make sure to do – and be successful at – something related to your work on the first day of the year, even if you don’t go near your place of employment that day. Limit your activity to a token amount, though, because to engage in a serious work project on that day is very unlucky. Also, do not do the laundry on New Year’s Day, lest a member of the family be ‘washed away’ (die) in the upcoming months. The more cautious eschew washing dishes.

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Victor Borge Quotes

A smile is the shortest distance between two people.

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only things I've saved all year.

I know [canned music] makes chickens lay more eggs and factory workers produce more. But how much more can they get out of you on an elevator?

I only know two pieces: one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.

I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible... and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear of laughter, that's my reward.

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.

My father invented a cure for which there was no disease and unfortunately my mother caught it and died of it.

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

The essence of a general's job is to assist in developing a clear sense of purpose, to keep the junk from getting in the way of important things.

When an opera star sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance.

You want something by Bach? Which one - Johann Sebastian or Jacques Offen?

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Hillary's First Night As President
White House inspiration for the First Lady

[Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as President. She has disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in the White House. She has waited several years for this...]

FIRST NIGHT
Suddenly the ghost of George Washington appears to her...
Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”
Washington says, “Never tell a lie.”
“Ouch!" Says Hillary, “I don't know about that.”

SECOND NIGHT
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”
Jefferson says, “Listen to the people.”
“Ohhh! I really don't want to do that.”

THIRD NIGHT
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”
Lincoln says, “Go to the theater.”

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Kangaroo Play

Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, "Gee, I hope it doesn't rain today, I hate it when the children play inside."

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How to Be Annoying

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

* Drum on every available surface.

* Sing the Batman theme constantly.

* Staple papers in the middle of the page.

* Ask 1-800 operators for their home phone number. If they don’t give it to you ask why they are calling YOU at home.

* Sew department store anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

* Set alarms for random times.

* Honk and wave to strangers.

* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

* Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.


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A 21st Century Marriage

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

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America's Unique

- Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

- Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

- Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

- Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

- Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.