When I was introduced to a couple visiting our congregation,
I decided to remember their names by noting they were the
same as those of two characters in a popular children's
story.
After the services I stopped to talk to them, and as they
were saying goodbye I teased, "Be careful going up that
hill! But you must get that all the time."
They smiled politely but said nothing. After they left, my
wife asked, "What was that all about?"
"Jack and Jill. Up the hill. Remember?" I said.
"Yes, but what does that have to do with," she pointed to
the couple, "Dick and Jane?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out
the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see
was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the
flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should
inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has
been for some time."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I went to my bank to refinance a loan on my yacht. Making small talk with
Susan, the loan officer, I told her that she was the main reason I came to
that branch.
Not even looking up from her paperwork, Susan responded, "You don't fool me,
sailor. I'll bet you have a woman in every bank."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I had trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any
signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I
pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?"
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I'm writing a book about the recession. It starts with Chapter 11.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Whatcha Looking For?
A policeman is walking his beat at night and comes across a man who
is standing under a street light, looking intently down at the
street. He says to the man, "What are you looking for?"
"My keys," says the man.
"Where did you lose them?"
"Over there"
"Why are you looking here?"
"The light is better."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Rare Dish
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a very rare and precious piece of pottery.
He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.
"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and probably half wild, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."
"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."
"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 12 cats."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"I got a good tip from my stockbroker the other day. He
said, 'For only 39 cents, I can super size those fries for
you.'" -Jay Leno
***
"There was a story on 60 Minutes last night that said the
happiest people on earth are not Americans. The Danish are
the happiest people! I'm not surprised — they make Legos
in
***
"The
350 new workers to clean up the subway. So this brings the
number of workers cleaning the subway to 350." -Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I used to live in
The new flock of kids attending college always includes
those who need a little help with everyday chores they
themselves never did before, such as laundry or grocery-
shopping.
I was in the dairy aisle for some eggs. As usual, I opened
the carton to check them over before putting them in my
cart. Beside me, a young man did the same to his carton...
then leaned toward me and asked, "What are we looking for?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
When the graveside service had no more than just finished,
there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a
distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder, and more
lightning.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
"Well, she's there."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Diagnosis
"You've got a touch of pneumonia," said the medical officer after examining the new enlistee.
"Are you sure, sir?" queried one worried man. "I have known people in civilian life to be told they have pneumonia but then to die of something quite different."
"You are not in civilian life, Samson. You're in the Army!" thundered the medical officer. "And if you get treated in the Army for pneumonia, you die of pneumonia."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Behaviorist Solution
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed.
It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful.
"Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "You seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Placing Your Order
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Mental Release
Vern who been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.
The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.
"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'
Vern said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."
"An interesting possibility," said the head.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."