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What is Marketing?
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich..."That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback.
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The insurance salesman, trying to start up a conversation with another fella said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"
The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"
Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the salesman said, "No, not her, the other one!"
The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
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The insurance salesman, trying to start up a conversation with another fella said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"
The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"
Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the salesman said, "No, not her, the other one!"
The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
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Here is today's CleanPun.
We took my sons, ages seven and five, up to Friendship Park for a picnic.
My seven year old read the sign with the playground rules to his brother."Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion.""Go down the slide while sitting, only.""Only one child on a swing at a time."(There were a good twenty rules.)
The boys promised to obey them if I would let them play without Daddy standing by. So, I joined my wife at the picnic table.
Just before it was time to eat, I went over and watched them play. They were obeying the rules, that is, all but one. On the tall semicircular slide, they were coming down head first!
I took them over to the posted regulations. We read them, again. I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves.
"Oh, don't be silly, Dad...no one uses the slide rule anymore!"
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Major Oops!
Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to his country
cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on
the lake directly in front of his cottage. On his next trip however, he
made his approach down the airport runway as usual.
Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane here
without wheels!" The startled husband yanked the nose up, narrowly averting
certain disaster.
Continuing home, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap. As he sat
there, visibly shaken, he said to his wife, "I don't know what on earth got
into me. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!"
And with that, he opened the door and stepped out ... right into the water.
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Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation. At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now lets see you put them back together again."
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Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation. At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now lets see you put them back together again."
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"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire
when you least expect it. That would make you quite
unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy."
-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
-U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The
bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the
area you just bombed."
-U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -Gen.Mac Arthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with
me."
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
-Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." -U. S Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
-Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
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Cooking Skills?
Not realizing our mother had left some leftover turkey in our oven's
broiler, my sister, 19, turned the oven on to bake cookies. Once the oven
was hot, she put in the cookies and came back to check on them ten minutes
later. When she pulled open the oven door, flames shot out and my sister
shouted, "Mom! Fire!" as she closed the door.
Immediately our mother called the fire department and rushed all of us out
of the house. The firefighters were over in a flash and they quickly hosed
the oven down with some foam, then helped us clear the house of smoke. As
one of the young firemen was leaving, he turned to my mother and said,
"Your daughter is cute. I would ask her out, but I only date women who can
cook."