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A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
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A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner Mom & Pop grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
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While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," the man said then proceeded to give the gong an
ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF OVER THERE! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
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In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried
iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was
necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent
them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a
square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine,
which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked
in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem... how
to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations.
However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust
to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few
landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron
when chilled Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass
indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right
off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the
balls off a brass monkey." (All this time, you thought that was an improper
expression, didn't you.)