Not sounding anything like my name, I asked, "Who is calling?
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer company or something like that, so I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "get really good pictures of the body and all the blood" then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case. I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.
The telemarketer was getting very concerned, and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position at work and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
********************************
Two landscapers were working diligently alongside the
streets of a huge office complex. One would dig a hole and
the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of a street, then down the other,
then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose
it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man
team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in
sick."
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Road To Easy Street
HOW TO MAKE A TOURNIQUET by Hank R. Schiff
HANDLING YOUR EMOTIONS by Mel. N. Collie
CALM DOWN by Ed. G. Nerves
KNOCKING YOUR FUNNY BONE by Howard Hertz
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Here is today's Oneliner.
A new medical study says that meat can almost be as bad for you as smoking - in fact, it's almost as bad as second-hand meat.
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Wanted People:
Who are as interested in the church on Sunday and
Wednesday nights as they are on Sunday morning.
Who are as liberal with their money as with their
advice.
Who are willing to deny themselves in order to serve
God.
Who love God more than pleasure (2 Timothy 3:4).
Who are not only church members but also workers.
Who are willing to let church work interfere with
their work and pleasure.
Who are willing to spend at least half as much of
their time studying the Bible as they do watching
television.
Who can be half as enthusiastic about a gospel meeting
as about the World Series or the Super Bowl.
Who are as anxious to tell others the good news of the
gospel as they are to tell them the latest gossip.
Who are willing to practice in their lives what they
say they believe in their hearts.
Who aspire to be leaders in the church purely for the
good they can do for others and the greater service
they can render to God.
Who can object to something without becoming
objectionable, and who can disagree without becoming disagreeable.
-Author Unknown
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-QUARTERBACK SNEAK: Church members quietly leaving
during the invitation.
-DRAW PLAY: What many children do with the bulletin
during worship.
-HALF-TIME: The period between Sunday School and
worship when many choose to leave.
-BENCHWARMER: Those who do not sing, pray, work, or
apparently do anything but sit.
-BACKFIELD IN MOTION: Making a trip to the back
(restroom or water fountain) during the service.
-STAYING IN THE POCKET: What happens to a lot of money
that should be given to the Lord's work.
-TWO MINUTE WARNING: The point at which you realize
the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your
children and belongings.
-INSTANT REPLAY: The preacher loses his notes and
falls back on last week's illustrations.
-SUDDEN DEATH: What happens to the attention span of
the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".
-TRAP: You're called on to pray and are asleep.
-END RUN: Getting out of church quick, without
speaking to any guest or fellow member.
-FLEX DEFENSE: The ability to allow absolutely nothing
said during the sermon to affect your life.
-HALFBACK OPTION: The decision of 50% of the
congregation not to return for the evening service.
-BLITZ: The rush for the restaurants following the
closing prayer.
********************************
Medicare could not give this advice. Too much common sense!
**************************
The phone rang. The lady of the house answered---"Yes?""Mrs. Ward, please.""Speaking.""Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. Whenyour Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples fromanother Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one isyour husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible.""What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked."Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other forAIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is.""That's terrible! Can we do the tests over?" questioned Mrs. Ward."Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more thanonce.""Well, what am I supposed to do now?""The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in themiddle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!!"