TRIVIA: What group has been dubbed "The Invisible
Empire of the South?"
May this day be a good one for all...
ANSWER AT BOTTOM OF TODAY’S hUMOR
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"Coast Guard Lingo"
When my husband joined the Coast Guard, I knew there would be some adjustments. Not only did I have to get accustomed to his short haircut, but also to his new sailor lingo. I eventually got used to him saying aye instead of yes, but nothing prepared me for the night when I was seven months pregnant and trying to roll over in bed.
In his sleep, with a very military-sounding voice, my husband shouted at the top of his lungs, "She's comin' on the port side!"
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Oneliner
"My memory's not as sharp as it used to be - also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be."
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"Recipe"
A new young bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"
"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket? What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska."
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Climbing the Ladder
by Robert Byron
Sometimes it doesn't pay to be good at what you do. I once told a manager
that, since I had achieved the highest possible staff ranking, I would like
to be considered for a recently created management position. I was told that
it was extremely difficult to find experts in my field and that it would be
nearly impossible to find anyone qualified to replace me. Basically, I was
being told that I was doing such a good job that there was no way I would
ever get promoted. I decided it was time to find a new employment
opportunity.
I found a company that was looking for someone with my qualifications to
perform virtually the same job I was already doing. I applied for the
position and during the interview I asked, "I'm considering leaving my
present job because there is little room for career advancement.
The interviewer replied with, "There are plenty of opportunities for
advancement here." An offer was made and I accepted the position.
After working there for several months, a notice was posted on a bulletin
board announcing the opening of a management position. I promptly applied
for it and was told that I would be notified if an interview was required. I
felt pretty good about the whole thing and was pretty excited about it until
I talked to some of my fellow employees. "They'll never give that job to
you," they said.
"What makes you think that?"
"We have all applied for management positions. They keep telling us that it
would be extremely difficult to find experts in our field and that it would
be nearly impossible to find anyone qualified to replace us."
I must say, their words sounded familiar. "When they interviewed me they
said there were plenty of opportunities for advancement here."
"There are plenty of advancement opportunities here. Just not for us."
Needless to say, I wasn't granted an interview much less the position. I
began to notice that the people I worked with, who did a good job, never
advanced. However, those who were incompetent seemed to excel. It was the
classic "Peter Principle".
For example, my department manager started out as a material handler but
when he couldn't handle that job, he was given the job of machine operator.
Not being able to operate machinery he was promoted to machine mechanic.
Since he failed miserably in that position, he was promoted to department
manager. This was the perfect job for him. He was fully qualified to drink
coffee and have the department secretary do his work for him. If asked a
question with any hint of importance, he would say, "Let me research that
and get back to you. I'd watch as he made his way to the glass cubicle that
he called an office to pose the question to the secretary. He'd return and
say, "Mildred knows more about this than I do. You should talk to her."
My manager wasn't known as a smart man by anyone that I knew and I certainly
didn't want to appear in the same light as him. However, he was oblivious to
how others saw him. He wore his position like a badge. I never applied for
any more management positions with that company but since then I have become
a manager at a major educational institution. I think I'm pretty smart and I
think that other people think I'm doing a good job. Just to be sure, I'm
going to get another cup of coffee and go ask the department secretary. I'm
sure she'll answer my question as soon as she finishes my work.
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"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect
for humanity. That's how rich I want to be" - Rita Rudner
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Thanks to Marti -- Proof
In case you needed further proof that the human race
is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual
label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No
purchase necessary. Details inside (the shoplifter
special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like
regular soap" (and that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion:
Defrost" (but, it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
"Do not turn upside down" (well...duh, a bit late,
huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be
hot after heating" (..and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron
clothes on body" (but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive
a car or operate machinery after taking this
medication" (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we could just get those 5
year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause
drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or
outdoor use only" (as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for
the other use" (now, somebody out there, help me on
this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts"
(talk about a news flash).
On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say
what?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this
garment does not enable you to fly" (I don't blame the
company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop
chain with your hands or genitals" (..was there a lot
of this happening somewhere?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn
to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you
want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)...
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From a Friend -- The Purpose of a Dog - from a 4 yr. old
How true..... Being a veterinarian, I had been called
to examine a ten-year old Irish Wolfhound named
Belker. The dog's owners, Rob, his wife, Liza, and
their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to
Belker and they were hoping for a miracle.
I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I
told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker,
and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for
the old dog in their home.
As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they
thought it would be good for the four-year old Shane
to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane
might learn something from the experience.
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat
as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so
calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I
wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a
few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The
little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition
without any difficulty or confusion We sat together
for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud
about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than
human lives.
Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I
know why."
Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his
mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more
comforting explanation.
He said, "People are born so that they can learn how
to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the
time and being nice, right?"
The four-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know
how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."
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ANSWER: The Ku Klux Klan