Friday, April 14, 2006

hUMOR For April 14th

Scale Convention

At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh
themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some
visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight. A
smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by
promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover
the digital display so only she could see her weight.

She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice
from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Q & A"
Q. Why did Freud cross the road?
A. Hmm, and when did you first notice this interest in roads?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." - Martin Luther King, Jr.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration - "God, Our Father"
A young boy burst into the great throne chambers of a medieval king. The boy was skipping and singing as children do. He was completely oblivious to the regal sobriety of his surroundings. Suddenly, he was intercepted by an armored solider.
"Have you no respect, lad?" hissed the soldier. "Don't you know that the man on the throne is your king?"
The boy wriggled out of the soldier's grasp. Dancing away, he laughed and said, "He is your king but he is my father!" And the boy bounced up to the throne and leaped into the king's lap.
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A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said,
"Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will
have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with
your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail
them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope,
'Now, you have everything.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to CJT: Road Sign

A priest and a pastor from the local church are
standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign
into the ground, that reads:

The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now -- Before
It's Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us
alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they heard
screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think
the sign should just say, 'Bridge Out'?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: The Sound Advice Of Abraham Lincoln

You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the
strong.

You cannot help small men by tearing down big men.

You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.

You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the
wage payer.

You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than
your income.

You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting
class hatreds.

You cannot establish security on borrowed money.

You cannot build character and courage by taking away
a man's initiative and independence.

You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what
they could and should do for themselves.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: Tailgater...

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out
woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned
yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten the red light by accelerating through the
intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn,
screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to
get through the intersection. As she was still in
mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The
officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands
up. He took her to the police station where she was
searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a
holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the
cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the
booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting
with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your
horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and
cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose
Life license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do'
bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School'
bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish
emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had
stolen the car."

Priceless!