Catfish vs. Orange Roughy
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
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Jumping on BedsConnie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that if he fell, he would hurt himself badly.Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds.Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."
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"A recent study has found that more senior citizens than
ever are entering college. College faculty says that the
seniors are like any other students but take Jell-O shots
just for the Jell-O." --Conan O'Brien
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"A homemade bomb was found in the bathroom of a Starbucks
in San Francisco. Police defused the device, saving over
$85 million worth of coffee. 100 people were evacuated
from the Starbucks. They were taken to the Starbucks to
two doors down." --Jay Leno
***
"Japanese Sumo wrestling officials may start allowing
wrestlers now to wear pants. Ah, great there goes the sex
appeal." --Dave Letterman
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On a whim a man decided to get his wife a dozen roses and
surprise her after work.
The minute he opened the door, his wife took one look at
the flowers in his hand and started screaming, "This is
the worst day that I have EVER had! The kids have been
terrible. They got in a food fight, the washing machine
broke and flooded the basement, I burned dinner, the dog
chewed up my best pair of shoes...AND NOW YOU'VE GOT THE
NERVE TO COME HOME DRUNK!"
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An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record
at the hospital where I work. He looked quite concerned at
one notation.
"I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize
I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I
didn't offend anyone."
He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in
question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought.
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Catfish Jokes
Q. What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?A. One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish! Q. What is the difference between a bearded lawyer and a catfish?A. One's slimy and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
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Spaghetti Sauce
Stumpy prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party he was giving. In his haste, however, he forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. He was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. He called the local Poison Control Center and voiced his concern. They advised Stumpy to boil the sauce again. That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered to answer it. Stumpy's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."
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Toddler Miracle Diet
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation ( the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed that most two years olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult you doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good luck!!! DAY ONE---- Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handfull of potato chips, and a glass of milk ( 3 sips only, then spill the rest) Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi. Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor........... DAY TWO----- Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handfull of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker untill sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon. DAY THREE----- Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handfull of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible. FINAL DAY---- Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar.. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
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Watch Out For That Tree
A state trooper pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. "Sir, is there a reason you're weaving all over the road?" The driver replies, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rearview mirror, the officer says, "Sir, that's your air freshener."
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Incorrect Email Address
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during a particularly cold winter. They planned to stay at
the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon forty years
earlier. Now, because of their very hectic schedule, it was
difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So the husband
left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife
was going to fly there the following day. The husband
checked into the hotel, but unlike when they were there the
first time forty years earlier, there was a computer in the
room and he decided to send an email to his wife. As he
typed out the address, however, he accidentally made a
one-letter mistake in the email address.
Meanwhile, in Houston, Texas, a Baptist pastor had just had
a heart attack and died. His wife returned home from the
funeral and decided to check her email, thinking that there
might be messages from relatives and so on. After reading
the first message, she screamed and fainted dead away. The
widow's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the
floor. He then saw the computer screen, and here is what it
said:
"To my darling wife, I know that you are surprised to hear
from me. They have computers here now and you're allowed to
send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
checked in. I see that everything's been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow, and I look forward to seeing you then. I
hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
"P.S. It sure is hot down here!"
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How To Cure Baldness
1. Tie a container of water to a roof rafter so that it hangs down to
shoulder-level.
2. Sit in a chair under this container of water.
3. Rub a large amount of salt on your bald spot.
4. The hairs under the skin will become thirsty from all the salt and come
out of the skin, traveling upwards to find the water you have hung above
your head.
5. As soon as each hair has appeared to sufficient length, quickly tie a
knot in it to prevent it from going back into your head when you get up.