Old Family Physician
The old family physician being away on vacation, entrusted his practice to his son - a recent medical student. When the old man returned, the youngster told him among other things, that he cured Miss Ferguson, an aged and wealthy spinster, of her chronic indigestion.
"My boy," said the old doctor, "I'm proud of you, but Miss Ferguson's indigestion is what put you through college."
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A Long Walk
One day after a nasty streak of bad weather, I asked my
teenage son to take our dog for a long walk after school.
When I came home from work, I found my son stretched out on
the recliner, watching television.
He had leash in hand while the dog trotted happily away on
the treadmill.
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"Yesterday we were talking about John McCain's recently released medical records. 1,200 pages covering all the diseases he's had in the last eight years from A to Z. From acute oldness to Zabar's elbow. That's a repetitive motion injury, caused by excessive shmearing. ... Fair is fair, so today, Barack Obama released his medical records detailing the last 21 years, and this is them, I kid you not [on screen: Stewart holds up one sheet of paper]. A one-page letter from Obama's doctor stating that the senator -- and it is to whom it may concern -- [is quote] in excellent health and, continuing quote, on physical compassion his blood pressure was 90 over 60, pulse 60 beats per minute, his build was lean and muscular with no excess body fat. His chest was smooth and hard like the hood of a Mustang. As I watched the dewy beads of moisture glisten on his corrugated stomach, I was thankful this was my last appointment of the day. With trembling hands, I held up his urine sample to the light. There was sedimentation. Anyway, it ends there. My point is, come on. What is he, Achilles, for God's sake? He's got a problem in his heel, that's all I could find." --Jon Stewart
"Nation, yesterday, Democratic party lawyers found that
"But here's how I explain it. Come with me on the journey, if you will. Imagine that we had never gone into
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Necktie
My husband said he wanted a tie for his birthday that would match the color of his eyes. Does anyone know where I can buy a bloodshot tie?
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Undergraduate
One day, a very attractive under graduate visited the professor's office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc.
Finally, the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest."
The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?"
To which the undergradute cooed, "Yes, anything you say."
After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?"
The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then."
The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that."
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North vs. South
The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.
The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.
The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.
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Weird News
Goat wanders onto city bus
The driver shut the doors of the bus and phoned police, The (
Police took custody of the animal, which was wearing a nylon collar.
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Cow blocks tunnel traffic
ORINDA, Calif. (UPI) -- Authorities said a cow that wandered into traffic on the east side of the Caldecott Tunnel in Contra Costa County, Calif., held up traffic for nearly an hour.
Benjamin DeLanty, a spokesman for the California Department of Transportation, said a tan cow was spotted Tuesday on the median of Highway 24 before stopping traffic by indecisively wandering to the entrance of the Caldecott Tunnel and back to the median, the San Francisco Chronicle reported.
California Highway Patrol Officer Robert Haven said traffic was cleared from the westbound lanes of the highway while three firefighters escorted the bovine to the Shakespeare Festival grounds in the city of
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Graduating twins may set record
The North Crowley High School senior class, which graduated Wednesday night, includes six sets of identical twins, four sets of fraternal twins and one set of triplets -- surpassing the record of eight sets of twins in a single graduating class that was included in the 2007 Guinness Book of World Records, the Fort Worth Star Telegram reported.
School administrators said they have submitted the information to Guinness and are waiting to hear back.
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Police identify suspect by pants stains
POMPANO BEACH, Fla. (UPI) -- Authorities said they arrested a Pompano Beach, Fla., bank robbery suspect after he failed to change his pants following a dye pack explosion in his pocket.
The Broward County Sheriff's Office said Algernon James, 39, was arrested at a
Broward Sheriff's Detective Tony Hierrezuelo said James had disguised himself with fake dreadlocks under a multicolored cap, but he was still wearing pants stained from a dye pack explosion the day before.
James allegedly robbed a Pompano Beach bank Tuesday and shoved the stolen cash in his pocket, along with a dye pack that had been inserted with the loot. Authorities said the dye pack malfunctioned and failed to explode after the suspect left the bank, but it detonated about an hour later when James entered a
"He never said why he didn't change his pants," Hierrezuelo said.
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A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning fire. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. 'Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,' he said. 'I'm waiting in line for Judgment, but I couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?'
'Oh those . .' Satan groaned.'They're all from
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Military Tact
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up."
"Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward."
"Not so fast, McGrath!"
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"Morning Tea"
Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church.
One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them. Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.
His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishops room and then say to him "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up."
Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked. He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and the boy said,
"It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"