How much is two plus two?
A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer. Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?" The mathematician answered immediately, "Four." The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one." Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"
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You're so dumb...
- Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation. - Still boots to DOS. - Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring. - Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi". - Stuck on the down escalator of life. - Stumped by anything child-proof. - Subtle as a well-thrown brick. - Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder. - Surfing in Nebraska. - Switch is on, but no one's receiving. - Takes 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes". - Takes an hour to cook minute rice.
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Paying in advance
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out." The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."
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For The Kids...
Who was the first underwater spy?James Pond! What is hairy and coughs?A coconut with a cold! What do you call a foreign body in a chip pan?An Unidentified Frying Object! Why did the lazy man want a job in a bakery?So he could loaf around!
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Since spaghetti is now 'pasta' and a TV set is a 'home entertainment
system,' the manager of my grocery store did his best to jazz up the lowly
egg.
He still has some work to do. A sign he put up in the dairy section
advertised "Boneless Chicken."
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In a hat shop a saleslady gushed: "That's the hat for you. It makes you look
ten years younger."
"Then I don't want it," retorted the customer. "I certainly can't afford to
put on ten years every time I take off my hat!"
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There are two sides to every marital argument. His and the right one.
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"Card Name"
Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name.
Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.
"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"Joint Chiefs of Staff [Chair] Peter Pace is leaving his job. He's the one who announced that all homosexual acts are immoral, and so is adultery. No wonder he left. He attacked all the members of Congress." --Jay Leno "Paris Hilton is behind bars, but still no word on Osama." --David Letterman "By a vote of 93-5, the Louisiana state House has voted to make it illegal for teachers to have sex with their students. Here's my question: Who are the five people who voted for it?" --Jay Leno "Yesterday at the G8 Summit, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered to let President Bush build a missile defense system in Azerbaijan. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'I believe the correct pronunciation is Abracadabra.'" --Conan O'Brien "There seems to be tension between President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin. Again, President Bush thinks this is good. He thinks a new Cold War could help end global warming." --Jay Leno "There's a new rumor that Senator Hillary Clinton recently had some plastic surgery done. Friends of Hillary deny the rumor and say, 'Believe it or not, that's her natural forced smile.'" --Conan O'Brien "The Democratic congressman from Louisiana, William Jefferson -- you know, the guy who was caught with $90,000 in his freezer -- has been indicted on 16 corruption charges. That's William Jefferson. Now don't confuse him with his wife, Weezy." --Jay Leno "Undaunted by the protesters, the leaders focused on finding consensus over global warming. And by 'consensus,' we mean getting Bush to agree with the other seven." --Jon Stewart, on the G8 Summit
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Are caterpillars good to eat?
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat? Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals! Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question? Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.
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For The Kids...
What is evil, ugly and keep the neighbours awake?A witch with a drum kit! What goes cackle, cackle, squelch, squelch?A witch in soggy shoes! What do you call a witch that flies in Concorde?Lucky! What do you call two witches who share a broom sticks?Broom mates!