Put or Putt
A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.
"'Putt' is correct," replied the instructor. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it, of course. 'Putt'
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HMO's in the Afterlife
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you need to go to the other place."
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Who's Counting?
How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?
12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
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Human Cannonball
After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"
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"A man's life always starts today. Every morning is a
beginning, a fresh start, and a man needn't be hog-tied
to the past. Whatever went before, a man's life can begin
now, today." --Louis L'Amour
***
"Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid
by education." -Bertrand Russell
***
"There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog,
and ready money." -Benjamin Franklin
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A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits.
The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health
and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the
employee's pay.
She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as
well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's
sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."
"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job
with such benefits," the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went
bankrupt."
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When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see
the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm
for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter
of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the
letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found
the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for
our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very
satisfied."
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"On the eve of Tuesday's primary victories, a defiant Hillary Clinton said, 'I'm just getting warmed up.' Which begs the question, 'Hey, Hillary, how are you gonna be ready on day one if it takes you 31 primaries to get warmed up.'" --Seth Meyers
"A voluntary adviser to Barack Obama resigned Friday after calling rival Hillary Clinton a 'monster.' Responded, Hillary: 'Arghhh.'" --Amy Poehler
"Apparently negative is the new positive. Now the media is trying to goad Barack Obama into taking the gloves off. And I'm not so sure this strategy is any good, you know, having a young black man attack a 60-year-old white lady? She loves to play the victim. She's already got a new slogan, 'Hillary Clinton: Please, just take my purse and leave me alone.'" --Bill Maher
"Also eliminated last night, Congressman Ron Paul, of
"Among the people rumored to be a possibility for John McCain's vice-presidential running mate is 51-year-old Florida Governor Charlie Crist and surprisingly not his brother, Jesus Crist" --Seth Meyers
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Which one
I rear ended a car this morning...the driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started.
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Missing Wallet
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"
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What's Two and Two
A bank manager was interviewing four very different applicants from his short list for the position of clerical. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, 'What is two and two?'
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was 'Twenty-two.'
The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Cromwell two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. When the bank manager asked him, 'How much is two and two?', the accountant got up from his chair, went over and closed the door. He came back, sat down, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, 'How much do you want it to be?'
He got the job.
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Robbery Suspect
Why you shouldn't go banking with your spouse...
A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it's his turn he pulls out a gun, and robs the bank.
Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The customer replies, “Yes!”
The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer's head and BANG - shoots him in the head and kills him.
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, “Did You see me rob this bank?”
The man calmly responds ... “No, but my wife did!”
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Unwritten Rules of the Navy
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way.
With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way.
The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read,"My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the most important unwritten rules of seamanship:
"Make sure the captain is on board before getting under way."
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Irish Technology
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came
to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines
in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found
traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a
hundred years earlier than the Scots."
One week later, "The Kerryman," a southwest Irish newsletter,
reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat
bog near
that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that
300 years ago