At the MoviesWhile watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear." "I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."
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How To Clean Your HouseRecycling housework mouse be better than working for a living...
1. Open a new file in your PC.2. Name it “Housework”.3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.4. Click on “Empty the Recycle Bin”.5. Your PC will ask you, “Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?”6. Calmly answer, “Yes,” and press the mouse button firmly...7. Feel better? Works for me!
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Pastor’s New TeethBiting sermon from the pulpit…Putting your best gum forward!
The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:“The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't shut up.”
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Counting Sheep
Ferne Southern said she was staying with her 8-year-old granddaughter, Brooke, while her parents were out of town. Brooke was delaying bedtime, as usual, so her grandmother told her about counting sheep to fall asleep. The 8-year-old thought that was a good idea. Everything was quiet for a while. But just as grandmother was dozing off, a voice sounded: "Nana?" "Yes?" "There are 38."
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Not Me Your Honor
A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge. After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling." "Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not." Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?" The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied "With whom?"
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Price of Oranges
Mrs. Golden was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?" "Two for a quarter," answered the vendor. "How much is just one?" she asked. "Fifteen cents," answered the vendor. "Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Golden.
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For The Kids...
Why doesn't the sea spill over the earth?Because it's tied! Who was the Black Prince?The son of Old King Cole! Did you hear about the mad scientist who invented a gas that could burn through anything?No, what about him?Now he's trying to invent something to hold it in! Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit?So he could tell the time at night! Where do snowmen go to dance?A snowball!
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Students at a school were asked to write about the harmful
effects of oil on fish.
One 11-year-old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines
last night, it was full of oil and all the sardines were
dead."
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Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his morning briefing. He tells the
President that among other violence around the world, three Brazilian
soldiers were killed.
The President says, "Oh my! That's horrible."
The staff in the office is somewhat taken aback at the President's atypical
expression of emotion as they watch him put his head in his hands.
The President, visibly shaken, asks, "Just how many is a brazillion?"
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Gomer got a part time job at the Post Office. The first assignment his
supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Gomer separated the
letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by
this, the supervisor approached Gomer at the end of his first day.
"I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with
the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had."
"Thank you, sir" said Gomer, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even a
better Job."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do
any better than you did today?"
Gomer replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."
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Money talks. Mine says, "I'm leaving."