Refrigerator Goals
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper
posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for
himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.
I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."
A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."
Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."
Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Game Question"
The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.
All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.
"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.
"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser."
- Arnold Palmer
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"God's Mercy"
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky.
An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.
"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little boy Vernie, was waiting on his mother to come out of a
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the
street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new
preacher in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on
Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you
don't even know the way to the post office!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Lessons on Life
There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons
to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent
them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a
pear tree that was a great distance away.
The first son went in the winter, the second in the
spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in
the fall.
When they had all gone and come back, he called them
together to describe what they had seen.
The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and
twisted.
The second son said no it was covered with green buds
and full of promise.
The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with
blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so
beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever
seen.
The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it
was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and
fulfillment.
The man then explained to his sons that they were all
right, because they had each seen but only one season
in the tree's life.
He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a
person, by only one season, and that the essence of
who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come
from that life can only be measured at the end, when
all the seasons are up.
If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the
promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer,
fulfillment of your fall.
Moral: Don't let the pain of one season destroy the
joy of all the rest.
Don't judge life by one difficult season. Persevere
through the difficult patches and better times are
sure to come some time or later.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At The Movies
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my
girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got
some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews
were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark,
sat down, and gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back
here."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to D&M S -- This one is too good not to pass
on. Hope you all will forgive me for sending so many
today.
Pecans In The Cemetery
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old
pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day,
two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by
the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward
the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside
the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike
and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man
with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe
what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the
cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard
for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man
hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they
heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the
truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear,
they peered through the fence, yet were still unable
to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars
of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get
a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's
all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and
we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5
minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to GB: Christians
By Maya Angelou
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on!
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm ! admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: Near Tragedy
In our town we have a regional mall that is two
stories tall with an escalator. There was a near
tragedy the day before yesterday when there was a
power outage in the area, and nine blondes were stuck
on the escalator for almost five hours.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- This has got to be one of the most
clever E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out
there either has too much spare time or is deadly at
Scrabble.
DORMITORY When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
ASTRONOMER When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE
ENDS IT
THE EYES When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS
GORE
THE MORSE CODE When you rearrange the letters: HERE
COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES When you rearrange the letters: CASH
LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS When you rearrange the letters: LIES
- LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN
HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO
MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT When you rearrange the letters: IM A
DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES When you rearrange the letters: THAT
QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE
PLUS ONE