"Fair Tax"
At a business conference in
There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said.
"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner.
"I know," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."
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CleanQuote
"Hurt people hurt people."
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Illustration - "A Long Walk"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
In a remote village in Central America the word got out among the peoples of the region that one of the American missionaries that had served this country for many years was about to return to the US to live our the remaining years of her life.
The nationals desired to honor her for her years of service with a public time of appreciation. News of the event went to all parts of the country in which the missionary was known to the people. One very old and very poor man walked to the ceremony over mountainous terrain for 4 days to bring his gift to the missionary.
The gift consisted of 2 coconuts, but it was all the man had. The missionary recognized the man as coming from the remote village in the mountains.
"Brother, I cannot believe that you would walk so far to present me with this gift," said the missionary to the man.
His response? "Long walk part of gift."
- Author Unknown
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Little Secrets
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."
This seemed to be a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.
"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. She thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband awoke with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searched the bed. This, of course, woke his bride who without thinking, immediately asked, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
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Remote Starters
Six of us at the office decided we wanted to install remote starters
on our cars and thought we'd get a better deal if we went to the same
garage. We shopped around and found a place that would do all our
cars at the same time, and we went on a weekend to have it done.
At the end of the day on the following Monday, Allan aimed his remote
and pressed the button. His car flashed its lights and started - then
we noticed Mike's car had started, then Rob's and Dave's, finally two others.
The installers had given all our remotes the same frequency.
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Little Vernie’s Tampax Protection
Looking after little brother's best interests...
Little Johnny and his brother walk into a pharmacy. They pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.
Tampax Protection
Looking after little brother's best interests...
Little Danny and his brother walk into a pharmacy. They pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asks Little Danny, Son, how old are you?
Eight, Little Danny replies.
The man continues, Do you know what these are used for?
Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one.
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Is That God's Boy Over There?
Redneck crutches come in different sizes...
An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.
The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?”
The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus over there?”
The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!” He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that God's boy over there?”
The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, “On my bill.”
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”
The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”
The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, “Don't touch me... I'm drawin' disability.”
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Mother's Advice
The new bride went crying to her mother. "Momma, I can't get
my husband to do anything. I want him to fix up the house,
and he keeps putting it off."
"Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your
father for twenty-six years, I've found the only way to get
him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."
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"Roger Clemens continues to deny he has ever used steroids or
human growth hormone. But this weekend he placed third in the
***
Tom Cruise was on Oprah Winfrey. Last time Tom was jumping up
and down on her couch. He was excited about being in love.
This time he wasn't jumping up and down. He has been married
a couple of years." -David Letterman
***
"On
because he placed a hidden camera in a Dunkin Donuts bathroom.
As punishment, he's been sentenced to five years in a Taco
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like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in
through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting-
looking books. So she went inside.
A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked, "Can
I help you?"
"No, just browsing," said my friend.
"Fine," came the reply. "But so you know, around here most
people knock before entering someone's home."
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Joe says to Bill, "Want to see a picture of my Aunt?"
"Sure."
So Joe takes out a picture.
"What are you talking about?" Bill says, "That's not your
aunt! That's a picture of a fish!"
Joe responds, "Well, sure it is... It's my aunt Chovy!"