Vernie and his classmates had just finished a tour of the
local fire hall.
Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.
He asked little Vernie, "What do you do if your clothes catch
on fire?"
Vernie replied promptly, "I don't put them on."
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"Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know." - Morticia,
The Addams Family
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"Turns out Rudy Giuliani's wife forgot one marriage. Originally, she said she was married twice before. Now it turns out she was actually married three times. But she said she never talks about the first marriage. Hey, neither does Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno "The liberal assault on our president continues, folks. Yesterday the Democrats pulled out their most underhanded weapon yet -- Republicans. ... Senator Hagel wasted no time in mavericking the president [on screen: Hagel criticizing Bush and saying the U.S. is not a monarchy]. Of course it's not a monarchy. What an outrageous thing to say. The president should confiscate Hagel's land and revoke his privilege." --Stephen Colbert "According to the latest census survey, the number of people without health insurance has dropped by two million. Duh, they're dead because they didn't have health insurance." --Jay Leno "Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama's great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won't be Irish enough for people." --Bill Maher "In his new tell-all book, Republican former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said he partied too much, drank too much, and slept with too many women he wasn't married to. You know what the Republicans call a guy like that? A Democrat." --Jay Leno "I give credit where credit is due. Finally, someone from the Bush family has enlisted. George Prescott Bush, the president's nephew, has enlisted in the Navy. The Navy is a tradition in the Bush family. The first president Bush was a Navy pilot. The current President Bush spends money like a drunken sailor." --Bill Maher "According to the L.A. Times, insurgents in Iraq are targeting educated people like professors and librarians. ... If the intelligent are targeted and killed, then the only ones left to lead the country will be the ignorant. So, at least they are getting closer to an American-style democracy." --Jay Leno
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Albanian Manufacturers
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them." "Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
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You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...
- You automatically double-knot everything you tie. - You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes. - You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school! - You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce. - You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you. - You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells. - You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?" - You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!
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For The Kids...
What is evil, ugly and keep the neighbours awake?A witch with a drum kit! What goes cackle, cackle, squelch, squelch?A witch in soggy shoes! What do you call a witch that flies in Concorde?Lucky! What do you call two witches who share a broom sticks?Broom mates! What does a witch turn when the lights go out?The dark! What do witches use pencil sharpeners for?To keep their hats pointed! What is evil and ugly, puts spells on people and is made of leaves?A witch (The leaves were just a plant)!
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Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard,
got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was to a
military induction center, and because he was a good talker, was assigned the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI
insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing
that Boudreaux was getting a 99% signup rate for the more expensive
supplemental form of GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost
these low-income recruits $30 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux directly about his selling techniques, but instead he would sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you
got da normal GI inshoranse an' you go to Iraq an' git yoself kilt, da
governmen' gonna pay you beneficiary $20,000. If you take out da
supplemental inshoranse, which cost you only t'irty dollar a mont, den da
governmen' gotta pay you beneficiary $200,000."
"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq
furst?"
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”Toast Rescue”
While visiting my mother in the hospital, I stopped in the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils and return golden brown.
Instead, it got stuck at the back of the toaster, and I couldn't reach it. The woman next to me in line quickly seized a pair of tongs, reached in, and fished out the piece of toast.
I joked, "You must be an emergency room worker."
"No," she replied with a grin. "I'm an obstetrician."