Insurance Salesman"My cousin applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested "prior experience," he jotted down "Lifeguard." Nothing else."We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but, who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the Insurance company. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?""I could not swim," my cousin replied.He got the job.
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Human KindnessThis will warm even the coldest heart...
[This letter was sent to the principal's office after his Florida middle school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you...]Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and l live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.Thank you for that opportunity.Sincerely,Edna
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Human KindnessThis will warm even the coldest heart...
[This letter was sent to the principal's office after his Florida middle school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you...]Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and l live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.Thank you for that opportunity.Sincerely,Edna
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Scottish WaterScotsman lending a helping hand to a Brit?Don't mess with the Scots...
A man was walking through the hills and dales of Scotland.He stopped for a drink at a mountain stream.An old shepherd shouted to him, “Dinna take a draught oot o the riffle, laddie; 'tis poorly wi' the dregs o ma cattle.” (Translation: don't drink the water, sir; it's full of cow dung)The man said, “I'll have you know I'm English. Please address me with the English language, you heathen.”The shepherd replied, “I said use both hands. You will be able to get more in your mouth.”
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How To Feel BetterStart each day off with a positive outlook...
1. Open a new file in your computer.2. Name it “Hillary Rodham Clinton”.3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.4. Click on “Empty the Recycle Bin”.5. Your PC will ask you, “Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham Clinton?”6. Firmly Click, “Yes.”7. Feel better.PS - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi...
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Outhouse DisposalUp a creek without a paddle?
Little Vernie lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and Little Vernie hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and Vernie determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so Little Vernie decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, Little Vernie asked why.The dad replied, Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?Little Vernie answered yes.Then he thought a moment and said, Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth.His dad replied, Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree.
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The Grocery Bag Law
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
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Wedding Ceremony
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested. Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
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I want to become a lawyer ...
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?” “It's $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?” “That's my business! Get me the course!” Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly, the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?” In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, “One less lawyer..."
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Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
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Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped
electric
wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a Vern was trying to be a good citizan, he
guarded a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of
a downed wire.
It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of
this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from
the main electric circuit, as he entered his car for his return to
warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to
protect the public.
Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the
wires, then, laughing, descended toward me."Mr. Allen," one of them
said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all
night."
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My mom is very possessive. She calls me up and says, "You weren't home last
night. Is something going on?"
I say, "Yeah, Mom. I'm cheating on you with another mother."