MONEY IN THE CASKET
There was a man who worked hard all of his life, saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, a blonde, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money into the after life with me." In this manner he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.Finally, the old coot died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers closed the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a small, beautiful hand-carved wooden box with her, went over to the casket and put it in the casket next to her husband. Then the undertakers locked the casket rolled it away.Her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to bury all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put his money in that casket with him.""You mean to tell me all of his money was in that box you put in the casket with him?""I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my checking account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend his money!"Send this to every clever blonde female you know.
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I Always Wondered About ThatI was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt. To free it, I started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it."So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.
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Husband at Wal-Mart
This is why women should not take men shopping against their
will.
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her
husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found
shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally
unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to
browse.
One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her
local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this
behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the
store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below
and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of Polident and randomly put them
in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
away."
4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag
of M&M's on layaway.
5. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
7. September 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him,
he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just
leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
9. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants
were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
"Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
And last, but not least:
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO!
IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
Regards,
Wal-Mart
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This guy decides he wants his dog to be able to dance, so he enrolls the pet
in dance classes. Dutifully, he takes this dog to
class every week, but he sees no improvement. Finally, he takes the
instructor aside and says, "I'm spending a fortune here. Why isn't my dog's
dancing improving?"
"I'm sorry," the instructor replies, "but there's not much I can do. Your
dog has two left feet."
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After getting a physical from my doctor, I asked, "Well Doc, how do I
stand?"
The doctor said, "That's what puzzles me."
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"You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners." - Rita Mae
Brown
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For The Kids...
An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework?Pupil: My little sister ate it! Bad timing for an excuseTeacher: Why were you late?Pupil: Sorry, teacher, I overslept.Teacher: It's three in the afternoon! An ideal homework excuseTeacher: Where is your homework?Pupil: Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked
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Last will & testament of a farmer
I LEAVE: To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it. To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments. To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway. To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past. To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them. To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years. To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me. To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now. To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough. And lastly To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."