A preacher was telling his Bible class the story of the Prodigal Son and wishing to emphasize the disagreeable attitude of the elder brother on that occasion, he especially stressed this portion of the parable.
After describing the rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, he spoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in the jubilant spirit of the occasion.
"Can anybody in the class," he asked, "tell me who this was?"
A small boy, who had been listening sympathetically to the story, put up his hand.
"I know," he said beamingly. "It was the fatted calf."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rules for Visitors in Texas
Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. And don't assume that Waffle House grits are any more typical of grits in the Righteous South than McDonald's represents your best California dinner.
Don't laugh at folk's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Bobby Sue, MaryBeth and Inez have been known to whip a man's behind for less than that.
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a beating. Down here it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.
Texas women don't take a fancy to smart mouth Yankees. Just remember, they all have brothers and daddies. And when they call you a Yankee it's NOT a compliment.
Don't show allegiances to any other school in football other than a Texas team. All the others are a bunch of sissies who play Wyoming every week.
Don't call us a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are better educated than you and a whole lot nicer to boot. And more modest.
Yes, we know the humidity is high; just quit complaining, spend your money and go home.
No, the state symbol of Texas is not the orange and white highway barrel. This road construction bothers us too.
Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this everyone will know you're from Ohio. Just eat the biscuits like God meant for you to do.
Don't try to talk with a Texas accent if you don't have one. Nothing makes us madder than a Texan wannabe.
Don't be telling everybody how much better it was back home. If you don't like it here, get your sorry behind back home! As the famous bumpersticker says: "We don't care how you did it up north."
We don't play lacrosse or none of them other sissy northern games, so don't be asking about no scores, cause we just don't care.
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two businessmen went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The men looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
+++++++++++++++++++
TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES
Sag, You're It!
Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
Kick the Bucket.
Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
Doc, Doc Goose
Simon Says Something Incoherent
Hide and Go Pee
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners
+++++++++++++++++++
A policeman was interviewing a man whose store had just been robbed.
"It's bad," said the owner, "but it's not as bad as it would have been if he'd robbed me yesterday."
"Why is that?" the policeman asked.
"Because today everything was on sale," replied the relieved owner.
+++++++++++++++++++
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.
I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.
At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
+++++++++++++++++++
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice, "The big sissy."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Congressman is awakened in the middle of the night by his wife who whispers, "I think there's a thief in the house."
"Not in the House," her husband says. "Perhaps in the Senate, my dear, but not in the House."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Office Diet
How to Lose Weight Without Exercise:
Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.
+++++++++++++++++++
The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a dog.
The man will be there to feed the dog and the dog will be there to keep the man from touching the computers.
+++++++++++++++++++
A penny-pinching old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Our man was walking down a dark alley when suddenly a mugger jumped at him.
"Your money or your life" the mugger barked.
"You mean I have a choice?!!" said our man. "Here take this…."
He pulled out his wallet and gave it to the mugger.
"And this…usually this is secret money". He removed his cap and flipped it around and there! Some more money! "Wait! Here is my card. Feel free to contact me whenever you have a cash crunch!"
The mugger left confused and dazed.
"Such a nice fellow!" sobbed our man. "He gave me a choice. At home I have no choice.... my wife takes them both."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Rare Book
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. "Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector. "Yes, that was it!" "You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!" "Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."