Private Bath
My husband and I found a charming bed-and-breakfast nestled in the
White Mountains of New Hampshire. Though enchanted, I nonetheless had
some questions about the accommodations.
"Does the room have its own bath?" I asked.
Nodding, the proprietor answered, "If no one else shows up, it does."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day.
The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again.
When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads.
The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.
When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem.
The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: Never be late to a Dinner
Retirement Dinner - -
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner
after 25 years in the parish. A leading local
politician and member of the congregation was chosen
to make the presentation and give a little speech at
the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to
say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the
first confession I heard here. I thought I had been
assigned to a terrible place. The very first person
who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
television set and, when questioned by the police, was
able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money
from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an
affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and
gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the
days went on I knew that my people were not all like
that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of
good and loving people.".....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician
arrived full of apologies at being late. He
immediately began to make the presentation and gave
his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish
priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had
the honor of being the first one to go to him in
confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE.
*******************************************************
Thanks to PW: Ash Tree...?
Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is
really cool and somewhat accurate. Then send it to
your friends, including the one that sent it to you,
so they can find out what tree they fell from, but
don't forget to change the subject line to your tree.
Find your tree below and see what you are like...
Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - CypressTree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping WillowTree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 (only) - Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree
Jun 24 (only) - Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Sep 23 (only) - Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 - WalnutTree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree
Dec 22 (only) - Beech Tree
Dec 23 to Jan 01 - Apple Tree
TREES (in alphabetical order)
Apple Tree(Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of
charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude,
flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal in
love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender
partner, very generous, many talents, loves children,
needs affectionate partner.
Ash Tree (Ambition) -- extremely attractive,
vivacious, impulsive,demanding, does not care for
criticisim, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to
play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable,
restless lover, sometimes money rules over the heart,
demands attention, needs love and much emotional
support.
Beech Tree (Creative) -- has good taste, concerned
about its looks, materialistic, good organization of
life and career, economical, good leader, takes no
unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime
companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).
Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive,
elegant,friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not
like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life
in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of
imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and
content atmosphere.
Cedar Tree (Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows
how to adapt, likes unexpected presents, of good
health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on
others, self-confident, a great speaker,
determined,often impatient, likes to impress others,
has many talents, industrious,healthy optimism, waits
for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.
Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- of unusual stature,
impressive,well-developed sense of justice, fun to be
around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated
easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker,
sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at
times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love,
physically fit.
Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular,
adaptable, takes what life has to give but doesn't
necessarily like it, strives to be content,
optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants
love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover
which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered
at times, can be unruly and careless,loves to gain
knowledge, needs to be needed.
Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) -- pleasant shape,
tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to
forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to
obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making
decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good
sense of humor, practical.
Fig Tree (Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit
self-willed, honest, loyal, dependent, hates
contradiction or arguments, hard worker when wants to
be, loves life and friends, enjoys children and
animals,great sense of humor, has artistic talent and
great intelligence..
Fir tree (Mysterious) -- extraordinary taste, handles
stress well, loves anything beautiful, stubborn, tends
to care for those close to them, hard to trust others,
yet a social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness
after long demanding hours at work, rather modest,
talented, unselfish, many friends, very reliable.
Hazelnut Tree(Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of
humor, very demanding but can also be very
understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression,
active fighter for social causes and politics,
popular, quite moody, honest, a perfectionist, has a
precise sense of judgment and expects complete
fairness.
Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares
for its looks and condition, good taste, is not
egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads
a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness
and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of
unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings,
mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions,
very conscientious.
Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts
what life dishes out, but not before trying to change
bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and
stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough,
but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to
make sacrifices for family and friends, has many
talents but not always takes time to use them, great
leadership qualities, is jealous at times but
extremely loyal.
Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) -- no ordinary
person, full of imagination and originality, shy and
reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers
for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has man
complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated
love life, wants to impress.
Oak Tree (Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong,
unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like
change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of
action.
Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind
feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and
violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed
sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of
jealousy, loves to read and the company of
sophisticated people.
Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company,
craves peace and harmony, loves to help others, active
imagination, likes to write poetry, not fashion
conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls
strongly in love but will leave if betrayed or lied
to, emotionally soft, low self esteem, needs affection
and reassurance.
Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative,
talented, not very self-confident, extremely
courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant
surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great
animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer,
tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any
situation, takes partnership seriously.
Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful,
gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves
life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both
dependent and independent, good taste, artistic,
passionate, emotional, good company, does not
forgive.
Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and
full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble,
broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous,
unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and
uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired,
ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no
compromise.
Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stressfree,
loves family life, full of hopes and dreams,
attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful,
musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places,
restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but
is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes
demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they
find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make
others laugh.
"IT'S A GREAT LIFE IF YOU DON'T WEAKEN"
*******************************************************
And for the Last Laugh... Thanks to Ron Furniss --
Blonde Joke
This is actually a good one...
Three blondes were all applying for the last
available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The
detective conducting the interview looked at the three
of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled
out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and
pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective,
you have to be able to detect. You must be able to
notice things such as distinguishing features and
oddities such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first
blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing
features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only
one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he
has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of
his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the
office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck
the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back
and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or
outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can
only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and
last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of
time, but ..." He flashed the photo in her face for a
couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right,
did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual
about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact
lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the
picture and began looking at some of the papers in
the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled
___expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His
bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you
tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, duh! With
only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear
glasses..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are
walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the
pet shop is advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest
piqued, they go inside.
"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"
"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says,
"Fetch the Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the
Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor,
the owner says, "Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its
paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and
delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.
That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the
dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed,
one of the visitors asks "Does he also know 'regular' commands?"
"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.
Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says,
"Lie down." The dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog
rolls over.
He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa,
puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.
"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's Pentecostal!"