"Party Favor"
After classical violinist Fritz Kreisler was invited to a society party, the hostess urged, "Of course, you'll bring your violin."
"In that case," Kreisler said, "my performing fee is two thousand dollars."
Insulted (or caught out), the woman huffed, "In that case, I shall ask you not to mingle with my guests."
"In that case," Kreisler replied, "my fee will only be one thousand dollars."
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Oneliner
"Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government."
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"Archeologists"
"Archeologists will date any old thing."
- Douglas Helsel
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My horoscope read, "You're going places and you can't be stopped."
Apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it.
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An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man
is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to
punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
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Cross-Country Move
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of
our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we
keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
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Sheri, a very pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in
the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help
me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young
doctors here, I end up dumping him and then, afterwards, I feel guilty and
depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen
your will power and resolve in this matter."
"No." exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and
depressed afterwards."