A Day at the RacesA Rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown down the street, but he is an old man, using a cane, and can't walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a young man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and then returns it to the Rabbi."I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat," said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi then places his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi. This must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first.In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1, so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also. Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife. When she asks him where he's been, he explains how he caught the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names."So where's the money?" she asks."I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost.""You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat!""It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke."
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MATHEMATICS What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top! If I may add one more equation: W-H-O Y-O-U K-N-O-W 23+8+15+25+15+21+11+14+15+23 = 170%
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I have a friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the
left all the time.
It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor and
have his legs checked out. For years, he refused and told me
I was crazy.
But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor
discovered his left leg was 1/4 inch shorter than his right.
A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured. Both
legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer
leans.
"So," I said, "you didn't believe me when I told you a
doctor could fix your leg."
He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."
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Rolls Royce
Moshe was at his golf club and went into the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift to Hendon. His own car was off the road being serviced. "Sure," said Morry, "I'll give you a lift. My Rolls Royce is just outside." As they're driving along, Moshe says, "Morry, what's that thing on the dashboard ticking all the time?" "That's my digital clock." A few minutes later, Moshe asks, "And what's that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?" "That's my tachometer," says Morry. Then a few minutes after that, Moshe starts to ask, "But what's that...." "Hold on a minute, Moshe," says Morry, "I can see you've never been in a Rolls Royce before." "Never in the front seat." says Moshe.
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How can I get to heaven?
I asked the children in my Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, held a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?" "No!" the children all answered. Then I said, "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?" Again, the answer was, "No!" "Well," I continued, "then how can I get to heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
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Apprehension
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely. "Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, ..."And will your grandmother need a rental car?"
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For The Kids...
Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain. Why's that?My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it. Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me something to keep it in?Certainly - how about a paper bag? Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me.Next, please! Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.Pull yourself together!
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Making a WillA man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."The lawyer says "Don't worry. Leave it all to me."The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice - but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!"