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Thanks to marti -- True or False?
Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. On only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
1 4. The average computer user blinks 7 times a
minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William me NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in
1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
See answers below
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Thanks to PW: Shortened 23rd Psalm
In his beautiful book, "I Shall Not Want," Robert Ketchum tells of a Sunday School teacher who asked her group of children if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm.
A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands.
A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire psalm. The little girl came to the front of the room, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and said,
"The Lord is my shepherd, that's all I want."
She bowed again and went and sat down. That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever heard.
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Thanks to LBS: Sad But True
A dog had followed his owner to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school.
However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom before a teacher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors. Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said, "Don't feel bad fella'....they won't let ME in either."
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Answers to the above questions...
They are all true....Now go back and think about #16
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Thanks to La Mi -- late, but my fault -- he sent it in timely fashion...
The Twelve Days of Thanksgiving....
On the First Day.....We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.
On the Second Day.....We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.
On the Third Day.....We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.
On the Fourth Day.....We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we'd be celebrating Thanksgiving until April.
On the Fifth Day..... We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of a naked turkey carcass.
On the Sixth Day.....We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental.
On the Seventh Day...We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey- nugget pizza.
On the Eighth Day.....The word vegetarian keeps popping into our heads.
On the Ninth Day.....We check our hair to make sure we're not beginning to sprout feathers.
On the Tenth Day.....We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.
On the Eleventh Day.....We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.
On the Twelfth Day.....We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers. And everybody says Amen.
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The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library, so when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.
"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.
"Which one?" she asked.
Still scanning the shelves, he answered, "William."
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Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles, as well as pick up after their pets.
One day, I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up, and put them back on the shelf. The next week, the same thing happened.
That afternoon, my employer came into the parlor, her faithful dog behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase. "Nya," she asked the dog, "how in the world do you keep getting your bones up there?"
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At the start of an important trial, a small town attorney called his firstwitness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approachedher and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you sinceyou were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie,you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behindtheir backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brainsto realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paperpusher. Yes, I know you."The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across theroom and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was ayoungster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is areal disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say aboutanybody, and he drinks like a fish. He's been divorced five times, andeverybody knows that his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entirestate. Yes, I know him."The judge rapped his gavel, to quiet the tittering among the spectators inthe courtroom. Once the room was silent, he called both attorneys to hisbench. In a quiet, menacing voice, he warned, "If either of you asks her ifshe knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
Has she been in this town too long or is she just too old?
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Here is today's CleanPun.
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap.
He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"
The waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
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*"Are you a Grinch?" Test*
1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points -- nobody but Angelenos dress a car).
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).
Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.
20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.
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My company had a successful year, and at the annual meeting, employees eagerly awaited the general manager's report on the performance of our branch.
"You are the role models of our company," he proudly announced. "I can tell you that whenever the owners talk about you and your office, they use nothing but expletives." A stunned silence followed.
Then the manager blushed, cleared his throat, and added,
"I meant superlatives."
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AT CHRISTMAS TIME, REMEMBER …According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, not get lost and not drop dead of natural causes!