A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?""
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
-----------------------------------------
An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me, your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
-------------------------------- ---------
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for.
------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.
--------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill
without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.
----------------- -----------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
-------------------------------------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf.
------------------------------------------
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the
second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I
was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a
coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't
find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you
find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old! ,
tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does you wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
*********
Lord,
Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..
+++++++++++++++++++
Pirate and Parrot
A pirate walks into a bar with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "You shouldn't be that close to something so disgusting, such a low-life animal." The pirate says, "Arr, it's ok, he's had his shots." Then the bartender says, "I was talking to the parrot!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Cartons of Yogurt Walk Into a Bar
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lost Gas Cap
Prof. Vernon Allen filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click. "Great," David thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. "And this one's even better because it locks."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me.One at a time, please. Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture. Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory.When did it happen?When did what happen? Doctor, doctor, my little boy's swallowed a bullet. What shall I do?Well, for a start, don't point him at me.
+++++++++++++++++++
A preacher's young daughter noticed that her father always bowed his head
and closed his eyes for a few seconds before he went to the pulpit to
preach. When she asked him why he did that, he explained,"I'm asking God to
help me preach a good sermon.
His daughter thought about it for a minute and said, "Why doesn't God hear
you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
This is said to be a favorite story of Lyndon Johnson's. A preacher was
becoming terribly distracted by a man who came to church every Sunday and
slept through the entire sermon. One Sunday the preacher decided to do
something about it. As he began to preach, the man, true to form, fell fast
asleep. Whereupon the preacher said quietly, "Everyone who wants to go to
heaven, stand up."
The entire congregation immediately stood up, except the sleeping man. When
they sat down, the preacher shouted at the top of his voice, "Everyone who
want to go to hell, stand up."
This startled the dozing man. Still half asleep, he jumped up, looked around
to see what was going on, then said to the preacher, "I don't know what
we're
voting on but it looks like you and I are the only ones in favor of it."
+++++++++++++++++++
"People will pay more to be entertained than educated." - Johnny Carson
+++++++++++++++++++
When you're rich, it's "eccentric." When you're poor, it's just strange.
+++++++++++++++++++
NAME GAME GIVES PLEASURE TO THOSE WITH EAR FOR IRONY
DEAR ABBY: I have enjoyed the columns you've printed about
people whose names matched their professions, and wonder if
you would be interested in an incident that happened to my
sister. Her name is Dragony, and she works in a pharmacy
located in a medical building. Her license plate reads
DRAGONY. Well, someone went into the pharmacy and asked the
girl at the counter, "Who is Dr. Agony?" I still laugh when
I think about it. -- KATHI IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR KATHI: Funny! Your sister's license plate reminds me of
one that belongs to my neighbor, who happens to be an
anesthesiologist. Her license plate reads: EPIDURL.
I am still hearing from readers offering names -- and some
of them are a hoot. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Years ago, I was office manager for a printing
company that did work for the American Tobacco Co. in North
Carolina. The purchasing agent's assistant there was a woman
by the name of Flicka Ashe. Can you believe it! -- DOLORES
IN SPARTANBURG, S.C.
DEAR ABBY: I have sold real estate for 18 years, and no one
ever forgets my name. It's ... BETH NEWHOUSE, MAYVILLE, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: My grandma fell and broke her hip last summer and
had to have surgery. Her surgeon? Dr. Mark Cutright! --
KATHY IN TENNESSEE
DEAR ABBY: Shame on you! How could you forget your fellow
member of the Group for Advancement of Psychiatry -- Dr.
John Looney? -- FRANCES ROTON BELL, DALLAS
DEAR ABBY: Here's an item that might qualify. It's from the
Jan. 16 edition of our local newspaper: "Charles T.
Sprinkle, 27, of Sandpoint was cited on a charge of
urinating in public at 11:52 p.m. in the 200 block of Main
Street." -- LARRY S. IN IDAHO
DEAR ABBY: Would you like more names that match? My optician
was named Ralph Glance, my daughter's allergist was Dr.
Eitches, and my children's dentist is Dr. Spitz. -- SUSAN
K., HAYWARD, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: When I was in high school, there was a family
with the last name "Braa." Guess what the mom's first name
was? "Iona"! My initials are "B.S.," but this story is not.
-- B.S., FARIBAULT, MINN.
DEAR ABBY: When my sister and I were children, we'd play a
game called "I Spy" during road trips from Georgia to
Alabama. On one of them we spotted a septic tank
installation and maintenance company named "Seth Poole and
Sons." -- LARRY IN DOERUN, GA.
DEAR ABBY: I used to work with a young woman named Linda
Snow. She met and married a wonderful man. When she did, she
became Mrs. Snow-White! -- A FAN, SUN CITY, ARIZ.
DEAR ABBY: My salesman husband was dealing with a
particularly difficult client who demanded to speak to the
boss. The reply: "I'll be happy to transfer you to him. His
name is Robin Hood; if he isn't in, you can speak with his
secretary -- Marian!" True story, real people. -- JENNIFER
IN HOUSTON
DEAR ABBY: This isn't occupation-related, but I thought you
might get a kick out of it anyway. I went to school with
twins Esther and Lester Chester and their big brother,
Chester Chester Jr. And no, I'm not kidding. -- L. LEGGETT,
MAGNOLIA, MISS.